Thursday, March 02, 2006

The Tyrant's Week in Reality TV
I've watched a lot of reality TV this week. I'm behind on my commentaries. I'm also tired. This much reality TV can wear a person out. So, I'll keep it simple.

This week, American Idol took a dive for the worst. With a few exceptions, I was sadly unimpressed with most of the performances. It was worse than last week. One would expect things to get better as we go. And so, I offer these words of advice.

1. Song choice, song choice, song choice. There are literally millions of songs in the world to choose from. Most of them will not annoy me. If I am annoyed at the first few notes of your song, you've lost me.

2. I watch these shows on tape. I watch with my finger on the Fast Forward button. You've got about 10 seconds to not annoy me with whatever you are singing before I fast-forward you off of my stage.

3. A hero NEVER comes along. You are NOT the wing beneath my wings. And the thunder NEVER rolls. If any song you sing has anything to do with any of these things, you've lost me.

4. Sometimes, even being pretty doesn't help. Ace, I'm talking to you.

5. I can fast-forward through the results show in about seven minutes. I would love to give my over-worked fast-forward finger a break (see #2 above). Therefore, I would like the results to be no more than seven minutes in real time. I don't need the drama. I don't need the worst medleys ever put together and sung by way too many people who should never, ever sing together in a group. I don't need to be tortured by the losers singing the song again that got them kicked off the show. I just need to know who is going home. Seven minutes or less.

6. The other 23 minutes of a 30-minute slot (we certainly don't need a full hour of this stuff) can be filled with more of drunk Paula. I'm pretty sure she was drunk tonight, and that much of the show was entertaining. Moths and cornflakes? What?

7. Crooning is soooo 1950s. Please get off of my stage and go back to the decade from whence you came.

Oh look. He did get off my stage tonight. Wishes do come true, when you're young at heart.

I'm not sad about anyone who left the show tonight. They are (spoiler alert):

We didn't so much love the way you sang tonight - Crooner Guy Whose Name I Can't Remember
When you're bad, you're so, so bad - Brenna
I told you a hero NEVER comes along - Heather
I have no idea what you sang but it was whiny and annoying - Sway

In other news, Amazing Race did not disappoint. I like the nerds. The annoying guy with the annoyingly hyper southern accent needs to quit calling the African American team the "black people." And the next team to be eliminated had better be the Amazon sisters because OH MY GAWD if I hear them scream ONE MORE TIME I WILL TRACK THEM DOWN WHEREVER THEY ARE IN THE WORLD AND PHYSICALLY REMOVE THEIR VOCAL CHORDS.

ANTM sadly does not premiere until next week. I was anticipating it this week, but I was wrong. And I was sad.

Although I don't really know where I would have put it in my schedule.

And that, my friends, was the Tyrant's week in Reality TV.


No comments: