Me Time
So, I will confess that I am pretty much useless unless I get an unnatural amount of time to myself. I suffer from extreme introvert-itis.

Let me explain.

It's not that I don't like people. In fact, I love people. I love my friends and family. I love the people I work with. But, whether I like it or not, time with people tends to wear me out.

My life tends to be really, really busy. I don't always like it that way. But, it keeps me out of trouble and distracts me from other issues that surface sometimes. Like depression. But being so busy so much of the time takes a toll on me after awhile. Work, combined with more work, combined with social activities, combined with trying to maintain relationships, and fit in family somewhere, I get to a point where I pretty much have to check out for awhile.

I can be funny and witty and entertaining. And, there are even times when I really want to be with people, or I don't want to be alone. I've even had a few people who I could really spend a whole lot of time with, and that was nice. I miss that sometimes. It takes a lot for me to get to that comfort level. It's nice when I get there.

But when it comes right down to it, I'm just really not a people person. Some people gain energy from being around others a lot. I tend to gain energy from having time to myself, without conversation, without having to be "on", without having to share space and energy with anyone else.

It's a recurring pattern for me, and something I could probably do well to let a therapist help me work through so that it is not so severe sometimes. I never got to much of it with the last therapist. Most days I'm fine and it's not an issue. But, as with the past couple of weeks, everything catches up to me and I have to seek solace in "me" time. When I'm really worn out, I get short with people, and frustrated that they don't understand that I need a break for awhile. And, frustrated for no reason in particular except that I am too tired not to be mean.

It's not really fair for me to get frustrated. I'm sure it's not easy to understand this introverted weirdness when you're not inside my head. I'm in my head, and I understand very little of it.

But, I do understand some contributing factors. My job is probably not the best type of job for my personality. I don't dislike it. But, it's a nonstop, high-pressure, introvert repelling kind of job. It's fast-paced and deadline driven. My phone rings several times an hour, which means I have to pick it up and talk to people on it several times an hour. I don't like talking on the phone to people I like. Talking to clients just absolutely wears me out. I have to be "on", and helpful, and nice, and that makes me nervous.

I preferred when I had an office with a door that I could shut to shut out the people around me when I needed it. But now I just have a cube, in a trendy "open atmosphere" office, which means I basically share a large room with about eight other people, all of which are talking across, around, or to me, all day. Don't get me wrong, I like them a lot. They make me laugh. We have fun. But, at the end of the work day, I've been with people all day. And that just zaps a lot of my energy, being an introvert and all.

I get over 100 emails a day at work, not including the back-and-forth per one email conversation, and not including personal emails I read and respond to on my other email account. I rarely leave the office without responding to or taking care of every email I get that day. Whether by phone or by email, I am in constant communication with someone almost all day.

I work (at minimum) 8.5 hour days at my day job, which is set up that way so we can leave at 3:00 on Fridays. Most weeks that is do-able, and makes for great Fridays. But it also makes for long days Mondays-Thursdays, even if I get to leave on time. Once I do get to leave the day job, I usually head to the church job, or do churchly duties at home. It often feels like all of my time during the day is at the mercy of someone else. And I don't even have kids or a husband to compete with my outside-of-work time. I don't know how people work and handle kids or a family at the same time.

So, most days when I get around to leaving work, I am already at my quota of "people" time for the day. But, I usually have another destination or two to go before I am done for the day. By the end of the week, I am certainly ready for a break. But, this is when most people are gearing up for social weekend activities. Most weekends I'm on board with that. But sometimes, doing the loser thing and staying home alone on a Friday night sounds like the next best thing to heaven for me.

I rarely make plans with people on Sundays. Not that I won't, but I tend to make that my "day of rest." I absolutely require at least one day a week that puts no responsibility on me. But since that hardly ever happens, I usually settle for keeping most of my Sunday free of obligation, so I can sleep, catch up on laundry and whatnot, and regroup enough to make it to church and spend the evening with friends. I am most at peace on Sunday mornings, sitting in my chair with a cup of coffee, by the window, reading the paper . . . alone. If I could stretch that to take all day, my Mondays would start a lot better.

Most of the time, I am content to fill my days and weeks this way - staying busy, going from one thing to the next. Doing what I do, I get to spend time with people I like. Either at work, or at church, or with friends or family at one social activity or another. I get to do jobs I like, even when they stress me out. I get to be in good places doing good things with good people. I'm successful. I'm not complaining. It's a nice life. I could change it if I wanted to, and sometimes I consider it. But usually that's just when I'm tired, and when I need a break.

My church emphasizes being in community as one of our core values. I love this idea, and I support it wholeheartedly. But, it is something I really have to work hard to do. Sometimes it stresses me out to have to consciously make myself be in community, when I'd rather be home on the couch in my pjs. I get a lot out of being with this community of people that I am blessed to have. But, I have to balance that with what I get out of time to myself. I think the two enhance each other. For me, at least.

We fill our schedules with so many "community" activities, sharing life together. I sometimes find it hard to keep up and still feel like part of the community. I have to sit out every once in awhile, or my sanity just won't survive. I just get overwhelmed, and I marvel at the ease at which so many of my friends can be with other people so much of the time. Yet, I feel like I miss something when community keeps going without me.

I don't know why I got hit with the introvert stick at a young age. I've always been this way, but I have not always been able to identify what I feel or what I need, and why. I'm sometimes surprised I don't live in a cave in the woods. And I'm often surprised that people stay in my community. I don't think I'm easy to keep.

I'm just kinda weird sometimes, when it comes to people. But I'm learning to accept my awkwardness and lack of loving the social element at seemingly inopportune times.

So, if you wonder where I go sometimes, don't take it personally. I'm not actually in a cave in the woods. And it is likely not anything you did or said that makes me quiet for awhile. I can go nonstop for a varying amount of time, keeping my schedule, being everywhere I need to be as the dependable person you might know me to be. Funny, witty, entertaining, and enjoying everyone and everything. But, then I have to stop. And take time for myself. Regroup. Recharge.

Do absolutely nothing. Be with absolutely no one.

I never know how long it will last. I always come back. And of course, there are exceptions to all of this. Like, travel. I LOVE to travel with people. It's like when I am out of my everyday world, my own weird tendencies take a vacation, too. That must be why I love vacation so much. I get a break from myself, as well as everything else.

But truthfully, I feel guilty sometimes. I feel like I am not a good friend when I need time for me. I feel like I hurt people's feelings when they want me, but I can't give myself to them. I've read books, and I've talked to "people-in-the-know" about such tendencies before. And they've assured me that I am not a freak. Even though it feels that way sometimes.

Introvert is not a disease. But throw in a recurring struggle with depression, and an abnormally strong sense of loyalty and duty to not let my responsibilities slip whether I have the energy to do them or not, and that probably equals some sort of medication I should be on to function more normally in society.

But to sum up, the Tyrant does not hate people, the Tyrant does not hate you. The Tyrant loves spending time with you, except when the Tyrant needs some alone time.

Thank you for understanding.

I sure don't, sometimes.

C.T.