Wednesday, June 28, 2006

America's Got a Freakish Idea of What Talent is
So, I'm watching the wannabee American Idol show, America's Got Talent. I've seen a total of about 17 minutes of it and I have yet to see any actual talent.

- "Cool" tap-dancing guys who are "cool" because they have product in their hair and torn jeans.

- Leonid the Magnificent, who is the tallest thing on the planet, wears angel wings and body glitter, and who somehow makes all of that even weirder by balancing, then dropping, then balancing a sword on his face

- Several people who can't sing

- A girl who plays the harp and sings for like, 15 seconds. It was the airiest voice I have ever heard, but the British judge dude said it was absolutely magnificent. I think he might not hear so good.

- A "cool" magician who is cool because he wears sunglasses and has rap music

- A guy playing guitar and singing through his legs

These people sit in the audience and wait for Regis to call them up, and then Faux Simon, Affirmative Action Paula (aka Brandy), and The Hasselhoff make comments and vote.

I don't even know who this Faux Simon guy is. Simon's brother? He's not even as mean, so it's not nearly as fun to watch him.

And, really. Hasselhoff? This is who we pick to be the judge of America's talent or lack thereof? The guy whose only talent is to run in slow motion in a swimsuit on a beach? It's funny to hear him judge whether people can sing or not. Heee...

Oh wait, now they brought back Leonid to "have a conversation" with him to decide if he has enough talent to come back to the next round. Apparently, America has talent if you can talk your way into it.

But this guy is Russian, so really he shouldn't be on the show. And America still has NO talent. But now Leonid is BACK on the show to put more body parts in peril with that sword.

I'm going to go ahead and say right now that it is my new goal in life to be the Non-Celebrity Judge-of-the-People on every "talent" show on T.V. Someone needs to represent the common man. I am a MUCH better judge of talent than your average Actual Celebrity Judge.

- American Idol? Put me in there next season after Randy, before Paula. I will speak truth and give the perspective of the voters, since what the judges actually say doesn't quite tap into what people are actually voting for.

- So You think You Can Dance? I can't dance. And I know it. But I know bad or annoying dance when I see it, and I know better than to attempt to dance in public or for a prize of any kind. And I would LOVE the opportunity to rid the world of a few more people who can't, in fact dance. And who don't, in fact, have rhythm. Let me judge.

- Last Comic Standing? I'm no comedian, but I'm really freakin' hilarious. But what's more important is that I know what is and ISN'T funny. And being so personally and naturally funny, it is hard for other people to make me laugh on purpose. Few standup comics have ever ellicited a chuckle from me. So, sure enough I am more than qualified to whittle the lot down to who should be the last comic standing. Let me judge.

- America's Got Talent? Put me in there next to Prandy (Paula-Brandy. Seriously, she has been taking notes from Paula. She has standing-ovated like, 17 people in the 17 minutes I've been watching) and let me talk some sense into these people. I actually AM America, you see. So, let ME be the judge of if we have talent or not.

People, my talent actually IS JUDGING!! I am NATURALLY GOOD AT IT. I practice a lot. Therefore, I should be on EVERY judging show. No matter the genre.

I don't want to see a guy balance a motorcycle on his chin. THAT IS NOT TALENT! That is weird. And it's not safe.

Safety first, people. Talent second.


PS: Why does it increase the probability of talent to beatbox with your shirt OFF, as opposed to on and fully clothed? Is part of the talent actually the shirtlessness? I just don't understand.

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