Monday, May 22, 2006

So.... deodorant
We all need it, but who among us actually likes it?

There comes a time in every young girl's life when eventually her deodorant will stop, well, deodoranting. Our pits grow accustomed to whatever brand of deodorant we have used thus far, and it becomes time to do something we ALL dread...

Find a new deodorant.

First, deodorant is a very personal thing. It's a preference. We choose a scent we like, a brand we like, a type we like (gel, solid, semi-solid). All of these factors work together to create our personal comfort in the pit department.

You can't have a deodorant that doesn't work. We can't go walking around in tank tops and sweaty armpits. You can't have a deodorant that smells stronger than you do. Nobody likes smelling your deodorant before we smell you. It should be a silent, trusted, hidden, non-confrontational partner in the neverending quest for good hygiene.

So, when your trusted partner suddenly fails you one day, it creates a situation in need of attention. It's tough to let go of the one we've trusted thus far. It's disappointing. It's heartbreaking. You feel betrayed and abandoned. But let's face it, it's not like there aren't a million other options out there to take the place of a deodorant gone bust.

For guys, it's pretty simple. You have much fewer options:

scented, nonscented, and Old Spice.
Blue can, red can, or Old Spice.
spray, nonspray, or Old Spice.

For the ladies, much like most other things in our lives, the deodorant department provides TOO MANY options. It's ridiculous. And, difficult.

For one, there are too many scents. Seriously, people. Who sits around and thinks up these scents for deodorants?

Baby soft
Shower fresh
Sporty clean
Peachy keen
Raspberry delight
Raspberry delight lite
Daisy fresh with a hint of herbal mint

And honestly, NONE of these smell like anything I want to smell like. Sporty clean? What does that even mean???

So essentially, choosing a deodorant scent that is something you can live with is really just picking the lesser scent of a 108 more evil scents, and hoping whatever body wash or perfume you wear can out rank it.

And really, you have to try just about ALL of them to find one you can live with. You have to spend days, even weeks, smelling weird and tempting your armpits to freak out and be sweaty at the most inopportune times, all for the sake of adjusting to a new deodorant. You can't raise your hand if you are not at all sure that your test run of Degree is really going to work out for you today.

And see, "shower fresh" for Secret is not the same as "shower fresh" for Lady Speed Stick. Yet, I was pretty comfortable with Secret shower fresh, so is it a safe bet that Lady Speed Stick shower fresh is comparable?

You'll never know unless you try.

Now, this whole business of "sheer", "clear", "ultra-clear", "little black dress approved", and "see-through" is just crap. Sure, deodorants have come a long way from the days of flat white chalk that gets on everything in a ten mile radius of your armpit. But seriously, you have to wear a nonexistent layer of ANY deodorant for it to come even close to testing as truly "clear". And I'm here to tell you that it takes just a bit more strokes of the deodorant to keep these pits dry.

Can I get an amen?

It takes a very special balance of not too many strokes of the deodorant versus enough for it to actually work all the livelong day. It takes years of practice to accomplish this. Clear, sheer, or otherwise.

Don't tell me it's clear unless I can pretty much put on 10 or so layers and still see right through me. Ladies, to whoever can invent a TRULY white-proof deodorant, you will be my hero forever.

So, how do we choose a new deodorant? What's the process? It takes a serious combination of determination and perseverance. But basically you have to start with buying 10 to 12 different brands, varieties, and scents of deodorant, then begin testing a new one for a few days, one by one, until one is "the" one.

If one works, but smells weird? It's OUT. If one doesn't work, but smells okay? OUT. If one works, smells ok, but leaves white marks all over your black shirt like when your highschool teacher used to transfer the chalk from her hands to the butt of her pants EVERYDAY... it's OUT.

There's no easy way to get results, people. You just have to save up some money, and dive in.

And what do you do with all of the sticks of deodorant that don't work? Nothing to do but make a very careful list of the failed products (and possibly a chart and a graph of the results) and then trash them.

Sad, but true. It's not their fault. I'm sure they work for armpits somewhere in the world.

But not mine. Not today. Not ever.

And yes, I just wrote an entire blog about deodorant. Read it, learn it, love it.


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