Sunday, May 28, 2006

Not that I've ever put any serious thought into how I would go about burying a body in my backyard, but over the past month or so I have spent some quality time in my yard, digging holes to plant things, moving other plants around, and generally playing in a lot of dirt.

Today I moved some bulbs from one place to another. This required digging some holes.

And today, I came to the conclusion that I could never kill anyone and bury them in my backyard. Or in anyone's backyard, for that matter. Because quite frankly, digging is really, really hard. And I'm not good at it.

Digging is a skill that I did not realize is hard to come by. As much as I putter around in my yard planting things, you'd think I'd be a much better digger.

I'm not.

A hole for a plant is (depending on the size of the plant) not that big. Today, after digging a few holes for some bulbs, I realized that if I had to dig a hole 6 feet deep and just as long, I'd never make it. It just wouldn't be possible.

I don't know why I thought about this, except that it dawned on me that it would be fun if my neighbors were watching me dig all over my yard, wondering if I was perhaps, burying someone. Like in the classsic Tom Hanks movie The Burbs, or something very Desperate Housewives.

But I'll tell you right now, I don't have the energy, nor the attention span to dig for that long. It was tough enough planting all those bulbs today.

So, if you ever wonder if the Tyrant has ever killed anyone and buried someone in her backyard (or any backyard, for that matter), rest assured that I have not, will not, cannot.

If someone you know is missing, don't look here. I'm terrible with a shovel.


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