I'd like to thank the Screen Actors Guild...
... because that's who you thank when you win a SAG award.

Tonight was the annual Screen Actors Guild Awards show. Had no idea? Well, it's only the most boring and pointless of the awards shows, and it's on TBS. If you didn't know about it, it's probably because you had ANYTHING better to do than watch this show. It's two hours of pure boredom on a random cable network, for the sole purpose of actors giving other actors awards for being actors.

Super lame.

I taped the show so I could fast-foward through it. Here are the highlights (and I had to work really hard to come up with anything to write about):

1. The opening of the show was the dumbest thing I've ever seen in my entire life. The camera found five or so actors in the audience, sitting at their tables with their half-eaten plates of food, and they each read a prepared heartfelt statement on why they are actors. It went something like this:

I told my mom when I was 7 that I wanted to be an actor, and even though they laughed at me when I would recite record albums to them from start to finish because we couldn't afford a tv, and even though they couldn't afford to feed my other 6 brothers and sisters, my parents still took me to acting class everyday. Now I make enough money to buy them and all of my brothers and sisters, including the ones in prison for selling drugs for lunch money when we were teenagers. I'm Susie Smith, and I'm an actor. (the crowd goes wild)

What's worse is that the people sitting around them I guess were told to pretend they aren't paying attention to whoever is talking to the camera. They're all looking off in different directions, or at the whole thing being played out on the giant screens. And that just made the whole thing more lame, like these actors took a bite, swallowed, set down their fork, and then decided to talk the camera that just happened to be sitting there and tell us their lame story about why they are an actor.

You know, like those lame commercials where some old dude is sitting on his porch reading the paper and all of the sudden he looks up and starts talking about how he needs more fiber, as though we are passing by and asked, "Hey old dude, do you get enough fiber in your diet?"

Totally unnatural.

2. No one ever says the word "actress". Painstakingly so. The point is that they are Screen Actors, whether they are male or female. So the category is Best Actor in a Female Role, instead of Best Actress. Which really could be a dude playing a woman, I guess.

3. Again, this is the most boring show on the planet. Even the pre-recorded "shtick" piece about commercial actors and how hard it is to be in commercials was super lame, because it bordered on not being funny to the point of not knowing if it was supposed to be funny. I mean, was the guy who plays the Fruit of the Loom grapes really proud of that? Or was he being sarcastic and going for a laugh? I couldn't tell. Maybe that's why he's just a commercial actor, and not winning that Best Actor in a Female Role award.

4. I mean, I even really like Shirley Temple. I have always liked her. Who doesn't? But I could not have cared less about her tribute. Boring. And then Jamie Lee Curtis walked out to talk about Shirley Temple some more, and it got more boring. I was very thankful for my fast-forward button. Poor Shirley was dancing super fast on my screen. It was pretty sweet that way.

5. I'm pretty sure that when the cast of LOST won the Ensemble award and the whole cast came up to get the award (including Walt who we can't find on the island but was kind enough to show up in a tux for a free dinner and a shiny trophy), Locke was on stage in a tuxedo and flip-flops. FLIP-FLOPS. And why were the dead castaways there? They really haven't added much to the show this year, being dead and all. Do they get a turn holding the trophy? I'm not sure they've earned, being dead and all.

6. To all future award shows, please make sure Sandra Oh ALWAYS wins something. I don't care what it is. And really, I don't even like her that much or think her character on Grey's Anatomy is all that great. But she's so flighty when she wins, and her speeches are so rambly and awesome, I just like to see her win for the pure entertainment of the moment. And I'm glad they sat her closer to the stage than at the Golden Globes. She hardly got lost at all.

7. Brokeback Mountain didn't win anything. And now that I've seen the movie, I'm glad. It's not that great. Lots of other stuff that I haven't see yet and that is winning stuff already, those movies seem better just by the clips I've seen on these award shows.

8. All of the Actors in the Guild should pool their money and buy new teleprompters for next year. The prompters kept breaking during the show, and despite being actors, the actors reading the prompters sure didn't have a clue what to do when their words suddenly disappeared. Too many awkward reading moments.

9. I like that the Actors Guild doesn't care about Directors, Screenwriters, or any of that other stuff, like at the Oscars. Sure, there were Directors there because they have to show up to support their movies. But I like that the Actors make the Directors come to their show, make them sit there and watch them give each other awards, and then they don't give the Directors anything except a free dinner. Ha!

10. Even in fast-forward, I wasted too much of my evening trying to enjoy this awards show. It's just not possible. No one cares what actors think about other actors. There was no drama, no humor, no fanfare. It's like they know we don't care, so they don't even try to make it worth watching. It's very disappointing to those of us who can't help but watch anyway, for the love of awards shows.

I take it back. I DON'T thank the Screen Actors Guild. The only thing they ever gave me was a boring awards show. And more than I ever wanted to know about the guy who plays the Fruit of the Loom grapes.

Bring on the next awwards show!

C.T.