Monday, January 16, 2006

I'd like to thank the Hollywood Foreign Press...
... but I have no idea what that is. I mean, really. Does anyone even know that?

Like anyone could even know that.

It's my favorite time of year: award show season!

I loves me some award shows because I love famous people in pretty clothes. I don't care what the award is, I will watch an award show.

Tonight I spent some quality time with the Golden Globes. Here are my thoughts:

1. No one knows what the Hollywood Foreign Press is, especially the foreign guy from Palestine who won for Best Foreign Movie. He had to ask the other guy on stage what it was. If the foreign people don't know what it is, it likely doesn't exist. But I guarantee you, next time I am posing as a member of the press to sneak my way into an event, I am totally going as a Hollywood Foreign Press reporter.

2. There is no need for EVERYONE to thank this Hollywood Foreign Press. I say the first award winner gets up there, thanks the HFP on behalf of everyone the rest of the night, and we move on. It's a given that the HFP gave the award (apparently). All that thanking is just really unnecessary.

3. I love that the Golden Globes don't cut off the speeches with theme music. You can get up there and talk all the livelong night if you want. You can thank everyone you've ever met. They're not going to cut you off. Sometimes that's bad, like tonight when Geena Davis kept going on and on about a story that she then said she made up. But mostly, I like that they can talk as much as they want. You can bet when I win a Golden Globe, I'm thanking everyone I've ever known, in alphabetical order. Except for the people I don't like. I will make a separate list and un-thank them while I'm up there.

4. Harrison Ford was totally drunk. And really, really old. What happened, Indiana Jones? You used to be so cool, and then you got your ear pierced and hooked up with Ally McBeal.

5. Sweetest moment of the night was when Mary Louise Parker beat out all four Desperate Housewives to win some award for Best Actress in some category. I can't tell you how sick I am of the Housewives. Yay for Mary Louise. And I haven't seen Felicity Huffman's transvestite movie, but even though I have seen a few Desperate Housewives episodes I will probably only ever see her as a man from now on. She's just kinda man-ish.

6. But really, why does everyone get up there and thank everyone who had anything to do with the film? Don't the people involved already know who they are? And haven't they already been paid a whole lot of money? And don't they realize that the people watching at home have no idea who any of those people are, nor do we care? Think about it. You are thanking really rich and famous people for making it possible for you to become more rich and famous by picking you to do something in their movie that earns you an award. And the people who truly pay your salary (by paying hard-earned money to see your movies) and who make it possible for you to continue making movies and winning awards are at home in their pjs on the couch making fun of whatever you are wearing while you thank your wardrobe stylist.

You should thank less people and just use that time to tell me a funny story. Or explain what you are wearing and why.

Or, everyone should really get up there and thank me. By name. For every award that they win. I'm the one who makes it ALL possible because if you are famous, I am interested in EVERYTHING you do. I don't know why. I just am.

7. Next year I recommend putting the tables somewhat less close together. I mean, it's not like they can't control the number of tables and chairs. Next year, invite a few less of the lame celebrities. Or at least don't invite the people we know aren't going to win anything. That way there is more room on the floor, less tables are needed, and we don't have to watch Sandra Oh get lost and stumble over EVERY SINGLE CHAIR between her chair and the stage. I mean, seriously. It's like she had no idea which way the stage was. But her rambling speech was awesome.

And I'm pretty sure at one point I saw Emma Thomspon sitting on Ang Lee's lap, which tells me maybe she didn't even have a chair all night. She had to lap hop.

8. Why a globe? Could they not think of anything more creative than "round"? Or were they just going for the alliteration of the "g" sound? And really, the statue is not very globe-ish. It is on top. But to me a Golden Globe should really be just a big ball of gold. Like a bowling ball, only slightly smaller. And with the winner's initials on it. Like a bowling ball again.

9. I have a lot of movies yet to see before the Oscars. I may need some help with this. I'm recruiting volunteers. And I'll be sure to thank each of you next time I win something.

10. Last but not least, if it ain't brokeback, it's ain't gonna win.

I can't think of anything else at the moment, but that's only because I'm prety tired. I'll step up my game in time for the Oscars. And the Grammy's. And the Miss America Pageant.

It's award season, y'all!!


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