Dear Gary Busey,

I just have so many questions about your random Oscar red carpet shenanigans last night. I almost don't know where to begin.

I think the biggest question on everyone's mind is: Why were you even there?

I mean, I will always be fond of your performance in the made-for-tv-movie Hider in the House. Your portrayal of that creepy man that lived in the attic of that family's house, but pretended to be their "neighbor from down the street" is what makes me sometimes wonder if you are, in fact, currently living in my attic right now.


I hear a noise. I automatically assume it's you peering down at me from my attic. Don't judge me. You were very convincing.

But, even being a convincing attic creep, I'm not sure the glory of that role carries over from 1989 to the red carpet here in 2008.

And then last night, I see you assaulting Jennifer Garner on the red carpet. And I wondered if you were trying to convince her that you aren't actually living in her house, either. But just stalking her and her small child in public places when everyone is watching you on TV.

Finally, and in conclusion, I have to ask why the myspace page.


I mean, it's like your lurking there, too. In myspace's attic.

If you are living in my attic, I just ask that you don't use my shower or sleep in my bed or eat all of my food while I'm gone to work during the day. Like you do in the movie.

As long as I don't ever hear or see you, you can stay.

C.T.