Love Languages
The Tyrant is about to ramble about her feelings. Check it.

So, today I finished reading The Five Love Languages.


I've been fighting reading this book because even though I am very much interested in books that will tell me how to fix my life, this one just seems like the next Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, which I have, but never read. I never jumped on that formulaic approach to solving relationship problems bandwagon. I can't stand that gimmicky, touchy-feely crap.

But, my personal commitment to books is that when people give me or loan me a book, I will read it even if I don't particularly want to read it. They are giving it to me for a reason, and they are thoughtful enough to think of me. So, I will usually read what you give me.

For example, Friend A told me once about a book that she thought might be good for me to read (A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius), and my response to her was that if I happened to stumble upon the book and it happened to fall open and I happened to glance at the page, I would maybe read some of it. I didn't want to read it, but I didn't want to discourage her attempts to be nice to me and all up in my business.

She didn't take my hint, and instead she bought the book for me and wrote a note in it to the affect of hoping it would fall open and I would glance at a few pages. She's a sneaky little bugger sometimes, and she knew how to play me. About 10 months later, I finally finished it. She was right. It was good for me to read.

So, Boy J brought over his copy of The Five Love Languages, "just in case" I might want to read it sometime. He went through how it's an easy read, and he doesn't care if he gets it back, yada yada.

Another sneaky little bugger.

Anyway, it took me far less time to read this one than Staggering Genius. And now I can't stop thinking about it. I get from most people who have read it that it's a good book, some people even feel like it's a life changing book.

I didn't really get that. Probably mostly because I am almost 30 years old, and I will not let a paperback book that took me a week to read change 30 years of trying to figure out who I am everyday.

First, I felt guilty for all the ways I am letting down the people I love by not 1) knowing their love language, and 2) not speaking it to them. I don't do that on purpose. Apparently (as it states many times over in the book) most people don't know their love language or the love languages of the people they love until they read this book that tells them all about the love languages.

My number one beef with this book is that it reads like an infomercial, one success story after another, all coincidentally successful after reading this book. I mean, not a single example starts off with, "Hey, we read this book and we learned each other's Love Language, but now we hate each other even more and we wish we'd never read this book. I've never felt so unloved in my life!" They all read the book, learn the languages, and like magic their relationship issues are fixed and everyone lives happily ever after.

But, that's not to say that the book is without merit. I found a lot of positive things in it.

I think the key element to the book is that it teaches that relationships (dating, marriage, friendships, parents, even co-workers) take hard work to make them good. I think we all enjoy the friendships or relationships that are easy and fun. But to truly show love to people, and to let people love you, that takes work. It's time we all knew and accepted that. Stop bailing when things get hard. Work to make them good.

I also think the book does a great job of explaining the Five Love Languages, and pointing out that there are simple changes we can make to show people that we love them on a level that they understand. That's a really beautiful message. But I question whether there are only five love languages. That seems too simple to me. I'm not sure that Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch sum up all there is to speaking love.

While the book states that this is not a manipulation to learn these Five Languages and speak the language that applies to each person you love in your life, I couldn't help but feel a bit manipulated. Don't get me wrong, I think it's great to learn how your husbands, girlfriends, best friends, whoever need to hear love from you. And in turn, let them love you the way you need to be loved. But the book makes it sound like if you learn these languages and learn how to speak them so that others hear them from you, there is no way a relationship can fail.

I think the book is about compromise, which I'm totally in favor of. I think it's about getting to know the people in our lives, and learning how to love them even when it is hard for us, or isn't convenient for us. After all, loving someone isn't really about us. It's about them. It's about what we can do for them to make them understand that they are loved. And maybe my issues with the book's presentation of the idea of Love Languages are moot points since my issues here are not "others" focused.

I am certainly glad I read the book. I love learning how to love people, because it is something I struggle with. Not actually loving people, but showing them that I love them, especially in ways that they need to hear it. I definitely need a lot of help in the area of relationships.

But, I can't pass off the book without some skepticism. I think I need to spend some more time with it. I'm very confused about one thing in particular.

I took the Discover Your Love Language test at the back of the book. As I read the book, none of the Five Languages stood out to me as my language.

Gifts? While I do enjoy gifts and I love when people buy me things, gifts are not that important to me. Consequently, I have a hard time buying gifts for others. I never know what to get, and I will agonize over what should be the perfect gift.

Words of Affirmation? Sure, I like to hear that I've done a good job, or that you love me, or that I'm hot. Some days, I really need just one person to say "I love you". And I absolutely need it. Many days it seems like I'm hearing only about the things I've done wrong, or the mistakes that show, and no one is telling me that I did 108 things well despite the one thing that went wrong that day. I do enjoy words of affirmation, but I wouldn't say it's my #1 language.

Acts of Service? Sure, it's nice when someone does something for me. I had a surprise lawn mowing several months back from some friends who saw that I could use the help. It was fabulous! But for the most part, I do things myself. I have to work really hard to let people love me by doing things for me. However, I'm pretty good at showing love through Acts of Service. I love doing stuff for people.

Physical Touch? This intrigues me. I love to be hugged. It speaks louder than words to me for someone close to me to hug me, especially when I need a hug, and even more so when I don't know I need a hug. But, I rarely ask for hugs. I feel like I'm begging for love to ask for a hug. But if someone hugs me without a prompt from me? Solid gold, baby. I'm also terrible at giving hugs. I am the queen of awkward hugs. I like to be touched. And I like to hug. But, I have to remind myself of that.

Quality Time? Interesting. I'm a hardcore introvert. 'Nuff said.

So, I took the quiz. If I'm going to make myself read this book, I for sure better get a love language out of it by the time I'm done with it. The max score for any language is 12, meaning that is your primary love language, the way you best receive love. I scored one 12 in ....

Quality Time.

Well.... that's interesting. Especially lately being in a phase of needing some serious alone time. And knowing that I pretty much invented introvert-itis. Which basically speaks to people as "go away."

But, as weird as it may sound, I think the book may be right about me. And that's the main thing I can't stop thinking about. A friend once told me that where you spend your time is what is valuable to you. I think there is a good deal of truth in that. At one time that was a truth of great peace for me. Lately, not so much.

Even being an introvert, I love when people spend time with me. Or better yet, when they let me spend time with them. I've had to learn that through (you guessed it) spending time with people who pretty much put themselves in my life and showed me what it's like to be with people.

I especially love one-on-one time because it means I get you all to myself for just a little while, and that was your priority for that time in your day. For a variety of reasons, I've been short on one-on-one time with people I love lately. I'm really missing it.

But the struggle I have with it is that I need alone time. Sometimes serious amounts of alone time. But I don't think I prefer that, is what I think I'm figuring out. Like, I want to be able to choose people, every time, given the choice of time with people or time at home alone. True, I value the time alone. I rest and regroup. And that makes me want to spend time with people. But the alone time counteracts my need to be loved through quality time.

And that, dear people, is why being an introvert is really hard sometimes. It's an inner conflict, all the time. I may want to be with you, but I can't. I may need you to spend time with me, but I can't. And when I'm feeling up for people, and I need you around, but you can't be around, it's a small window of opportunity for me to get that love that I need through Quality Time. And I think that feeds my feeling of being unloved sometimes. I'm working against myself.

So what do you do when you are an introvert who needs to be loved through quality time? And, what do you do when you are an introvert and the people in your life need you to love them through quality time?

I'm hoping the next book is What to do When you Can't Speak you own Love Language, and When You Can't Let People Love you With Your Own Love Language. I'm sure it wasn't included in the first book so that we would have to buy another book for the rest of the answers.

It's another informercial for another day.

C.T.