The Beauty of Nothing
I'm a big fan of nothing. Doing nothing, that is.

This week has been vacation for me. My last day at the old job was Friday a week ago. My new job starts next week. To transition, I really needed this week free from pretty much all responsibility. Some people have a hard time letting go of things and relaxing. But I am the complete opposite. I crave nothing.

It's not lazy. It's just an intense desire and talent for being content with nothing to do. I need it to be good for doing anything any other time. I'm a master at nothing for the benefit of something.

Many, many people do not understand this. I can explain it away as being an intense introvert. But that doesn't always make sense to people, or even truly sum up the whole of it. I just love alone time. I love being around people. I love my friends. But sometimes, I just need to not be around people. And I love every minute of not being around people.

I'm not bored. I'm just doing nothing. And it's great.

Sure, I get lonely sometimes. Often I realize I've gotten myself into this by removing myself too far from people for awhile. But sometimes, it's just what I need to do. I'm getting better at juggling this, at knowing when I'm still good for people or when I need to go away for awhile.

I'm also very, very reluctant to change. I don't handle it well. Now that I've left my old job and will be starting a new job, even on vacation my stress level is fairly high. The past few weeks have been a mess for me, emotionally, internally. My stomach has decided to freak out again, making it hard to eat or feel well. I've had headaches. I've been nervous. I've been, um, difficult to be around at times with friends. When I freak out about myself, I sometimes tend to freak out about other things that don't necessarily need to be freaked out about. Even though I left a job I hated and I'm hopefully going to something better, I'm still going through the freaking out I do so well when I have to adapt to change.

So, I knew I needed a week to detox in between jobs. I needed time to shake off the old, refocus on better things and find some peace, and then have time to begin freaking out about the new job. This is what I've tried to do this week.

I've spent some time with friends. Turns out, it's really fun to play during the week with no regard to needing to get to bed in order to get up early for work. I have no rules this week. But most importantly, I've spent time doing a lot of nothing, with no one but myself. It's been great. It's a wonderful vacation for me. I can find things to do around my house, things that have needed doing for quite awhile. Or, I am perfectly happy sitting in my chair, drinking coffee, watching out the window. Or watching TV. Or reading. It doesn't take much to entertain me. I think that really confuses people sometimes.

I'll even admit, there may have been a day this week that I didn't shower. I'm totally okay with that. It's not lazy. It's just nothing.

The week has been nice. Although I could have done with a little less rain and a little more playing outside. But now that my vacation is mostly over, and I'll have to start my new job in just a few days, I'm beginning to really freak out about it. It's a new place, a new routine, new responsibilities, and worst of all, new people.

I still have three days left before the job and the newness begins. But there's just not enough time. I'm not sure I'm properly prepared, and I only have a few days left to get prepared. My freedom ends in just a few short days. Are we sure I can't do nothing for a living? I'm really good at nothing. I'm perfectly comfortable with nothing.

I fear change. But I do not fear nothing.

Sorry for the light posting this week. I've had plenty of time to write, and plenty of things to write about. But as writing would interfere with the nothing, I just haven't gotten around to it.

Nothing rules.

C.T.