Making me think
No small task, by the way - making me think.

I've been a bit obsessed with a new cd over the past week or so. Sometimes to appease my freaking out when stressed or upset or excited or in the midst of change, I purchase a new cd. I've actually been off of cds for awhile, kind of in a music funk, not really sure what I like anymore, not inspired by anything. Therefore not buying anything new since I don't really know what to buy. But on my last day at the homeless shelter, I left and on a whim went to buy a cd. It just seemed like it needed to be done.

Little did I know that I was buying a cd that seems to almost completely apply to me these days. I'm by no means a music expert. I like random stuff, often for no good reason or just because I like the way it sounds. I usually hear music before I hear lyrics, and sometimes I never even get around to knowing the words to songs. I have no consistent music taste, and I usually shy away from music conversations with most of my friends who happen to know and appreciate music for very intense reasons. I love music. I just don't have a good reason why or what.

The cd I bought was the newest from Alanis Morissette. I've been a fan of hers since Jagged Little Pill, although not always liking all of her stuff. She had a phase there where I had to break up with her for awhile. I even sold a cd or two of hers to get it out of my house, so she would know I was serious. But when she has something new, I like to check it out before I decide if we are still on a break or not. I'm not sure why, but something about her angst has always appealed to me.

I'd heard her new cd is a bit less angry and a bit more self reflective. Alanis has apparently found love, and I'd read or heard that this change is reflected in her new music. So I wasn't quite sure what to expect. But as I left my job and prepared to go spend time with friends to celebrate the end of a bad job and the soon-to-begin-and-hopefully-better job, I knew I needed a transition of some sort. So I bought the cd and popped it into the player in the Jeep.

And, me likey.

Like I said, I usually hear music way before the words ever penetrate into my brain. But for the first time I can remember, the words caught my attention on the first song. And, I'm almost embarrassed to admit, I pulled over into a parking lot so I could hear the song again while reading the lyrics. I completely disregarded that I was supposed to be somewhere with my friends. I wanted to make sure I heard what I think I heard. (if you're familiar with Alanis, sometimes you really have to listen to decipher words, short of reading along with the lyrics sheet to figure out what the heck she's saying)

And what I heard was this person I don't know describing me as accurately as I've ever attempted to describe myself. It was a page out of my journal, only said better than I've been able to say it, or rather better than I've ever been brave enough to admit. It almost made me think that maybe this is what people see of me, or perhaps many reasons for things that I've struggled with, and it got my attention. Here's what I heard, from the song "Eight Easy Steps":

How to stay paralyzed by fear of abandonment
How to defer to men in solve-able predicaments
How to control someone to be a carbon copy of you
How to have that not work and have them run away from you

How to keep people at arm's length and never get too close
How to mistrust the ones you supposedly love the most
How to pretend you're fine and don't need help from anyone
How to feel worthless unless you're serving or helping someone

How to hate women when you're supposed to be a feminist
How to play all pious when you're really a hypocrite
How to hate God when you're a pray-er and a spiritualist
How to sabotage your fantasies by fears of success

How to lie to yourself and thereby to everyone else
How to keep smiling when you're thinking of killing yourself
How to numb a la holic to avoid going within
How to stay stuck in blue by blaming them for everything

I'll teach you all this in eight easy steps
A course of a lifetime you'll never forget
I'll show you how in eight easy steps
I'll show you how leadership looks when taught by the best

I've been doing research for years
I've been practicing my arse [edited by C.T. for viewers] off
I've been training my whole life for this moment (I swear to you)
Culminating just to be this well-versed leader before you

Um, wow.

Now, there's no need to go into details about which of those lines really does apply to me or in what ways they apply. If you actually know me, you can make some guesses and you're probably not far off. But let's just say most of them (if not all) do apply to me. And in a literal sense.

What I liked about the song most is that it's not from the point of view of someone calling that out about someone else. It's personal. Autobiographical. It's "hey, I've realized these things about myself, and they're not pretty. Please don't be like me, but I can show you how to be this way if you'd like to learn quick. I'm somewhat of an expert from years of experience." And I might as well have written it myself, although Alanis beat me to it.

Of course, I'm not saying that Alanis has it all figured out, or that this is the most monumentally profound song that has ever influenced my life. I'm not an Alanis groupie. It's just a song. But it did come along at an oddly perfect moment, as I went on to meet friends (a bit late, I might add - I did some good thinking, followed by needing to compose myself in the parking lot before I headed on). I had the words of the song on my mind all night, and pretty much since then.

It really made me think. About the way I am, how, why, how it affects my relationship with others, how it affects the way I live my life.

And, much of the rest of the cd is the same way. Songs with lyrics that are calling me out right now, making me think. I almost wish these are things people or friends would say to me when they see it in me. But really I think it's better when we realize these things ourselves and find the courage to recognize and admit it. And hopefully do something about it.

I'm not in the business of reviewing music or endorsing things with The Tyrant's seal of approval for my readers. I really think this cd just came along at an interesting time for me. It may be complete annoying fluffy nonsense to the rest of you. I may hate it myself in a week or sooner.

I feel like I'll write more about other songs on the cd sometime. Especially the last song, "Everything", coupled with the first song. Briefly excerpted from "Everything":

I blame everyone else not my own partaking
My passive aggressive-ness can be devastating
I'm terrified and mistrusting and you've never met anyone
Who is as closed down as I am sometimes

You see everything you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I am ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here

Um, wow again.

But for right now, it's making me think.

C.T.