Staring my youth in the face....

I was on a plane earlier this week. Joining me on the plane was a high school marching band. If you don't know by now, yes, I was in the marching band in high school. And in college, as a matter of fact.

So, here I am on a plane surrounded by lots and lots of young, wide-eyed band nerds. Watching them, I was immediately taken back to my high school band nerd days.

My first high school mascot was the Cougars, colors were red and white. These kids on the plane were also the Cougars, colors were red and white. Purely coincidence, as these kids were from a different high school. But, seeing all the band jackets with the red and white and the cougar . . . made it almost a surreal experience.

It was an unexpected trip down memory lane, watching these kids. I saw the "cool" band nerds keeping their distance from some of the other "less cool" band nerds. The flutes huddled together. Drummers were in the back of the plane, air-drumming to their ipods. I even saw the couple of kids who clearly didn't fit in anywhere, even among fellow band nerds.

I was on this plane, dressed in a suit, traveling to NYC for a business meeting with a client. I make this trip often. These kids were dressed in the skinny jean weirdness of your typical teens these days, excited for a big trip to NYC, maybe their first time to the Big Apple.

But, unbeknown to them, we were one and the same in my head on this plane.

I was once one of them . . . but, would any of them be me one day? In a suit, 15 years removed from a band trip with all your friends (and enemies - oh, high school drama . . .)? Headed to the same place (NYC) but in two entirely different places.

When I was that high school band nerd, I don't think I ever would have guessed I'd one day be all suited up, as a grown-up, doing grown-up things . . . business meetings, business travel, responsibilities . . . I do these things now, but I don't feel like a grown-up.

Sometimes I still feel like a kid just playing grown-up because that's what I'm supposed to do now. With years comes responsibility, even if my heart and soul haven't quite caught up to my years. I feel out of place in my suits, leading client meetings, creating reports (while sitting on a plane, no less), having conversations that don't include words like "rad," "totally," or "dude."

Ok, I still say "dude" as much as possible. Just not to clients.

It was weird to see myself 15 years ago through the eyes of my grown-up self right now. Am I where I'm supposed to be? Am I who I thought I'd be back when I had the whole world ahead of me? No harm, no fouls . . . yet. Choices toward a future still to be made. Grown-up decisions a distant thought. Fun of the moment and teenage drama still at hand.

I don't know. What? Yeah. I don't know if I had an idea of what I wanted to be when I grew up, and now that I'm more grown-up than not grown-up, I don't know if this is what I had in mind back in the day.

Weirder than that, it's weird to think that I'm ok wherever this is that I am, for the most part, for now. For not having much of an idea of where I wanted to be or what I wanted to make of myself, and for having an interesting road on the way to getting here, I'm blessed to have ended up someplace that's working out okay for me . . . for now.

I thought about all that's happened since high school, since the so-called innocence of my youth. Things that have led me to where I am today, to my seat on that plane earlier this week. Life for me has taken some crazy, unexpected turns. It's hard not to think "what if," had forks in the road along the way had forked the other way.

Yeah, a lot of thinking for an early morning plane ride . . .

I'm glad I'm not still in those high school band nerd days. It was great at the time (don't judge), but I'm glad it's in the past and part of who I am today, rather than where I still am today.

Plus, I'm not done yet. So, there's that.

C.T.

Random Thankful Reflections

I'm thankful for some random things these days.

Right now, in a moment of reflection, I'm thankful for my house, this fantastic weather we've been having, my patio, and a nice, event-free, relaxing Friday evening that I can sit out here on my patio and listen to my sprinklers . . . alone . . . in the calm and beauty of my grody Texas yard.

I'm just really blessed, y'all.

Lately I've also been thankful for some of the experiences I've been through. Not because I am glad those things happened or that I'm thankful to have gone through them. No question, given the option of changing some things in my lifetime, I'd pick what's behind door #2. Door # 1 kinda sucked.

But, on the other side of Door #1 (or at least on a side of it with better perspective - I can't say I'm truly on the other side or that I ever will be), I can appreciate what I've learned and the person I am today . . . in part due to the things that have happened in my world as a grown-up.

That's a big deal for me, y'all. I don't come by peace in my world very easily.

Sometimes I feel like I had to grow up really fast, really suddenly. And not in a way that I would have preferred.

But, the way I'm thankful for my life's less-than-pleasant experiences thus far is that I can talk. And I can be there. And I can understand what others may be going through, in a way that I would not be able to had I not experienced some downs in my lifetime thus far.

That may be cheesy, but I don't care right now. I am so thankful to be in a place where my world isn't falling a part, right now, at this time. I can be strong when I'm needed. That feels really good.

It's not that I never thought I'd get to this place. And you know, I won't always be in this place. One thing I've certainly learned is that good days come and go, with bad days mixed in there from time to time. All part of it . . . life, growing, learning . . . healing.

But, I've grown to appreciate the significance of the good days and what they mean having been through a world that fell apart, for a long time.

And I can talk. And share. And be there. And listen. And maybe, if there can ever be a reason for things to happen that rock your world in bad ways, my being able to talk, and share, and be there, and love, and support, and listen, and be strong . . . for others . . . is part of why I grew up quickly, suddenly . . . permanently.

It's so hard to see the bigger picture sometimes. To see beyond what is broken and hurting and what doesn't make sense. Getting to a place where I can start to piece together somewhat of a bigger picture, well, it's good.

I don't know. Just some random thoughts on a perfect evening, in the calm and refuge of my homestead . . . sound of the sprinklers soothing me . . . peaceful moments.

I'll take them when I can get them, and I'll savor them for as long as I can.

God is good, y'all. I promise.

C.T.

I didn't get a bonus this year.

Nope, no bonuses at my company this year.

I did, however, pay my taxes. Which I guess means that today I apparently helped pay some million-dollar bonuses for some millionaires.

As did you, and you, and you and you and you . . .

Since my company just switched our dental insurance to AIG, I think maybe this is the year I need to get a LOT of dental work done . . . maybe several million dollars worth . . .

Diamond-studded grill? A few gold teeth? Extra super-duper teeth whitening? A few rounds of x-rays?

YES. Done and done.

C.T.

I am stimulated.

My paycheck this week reflected the first installment of the new-fangled, save-the-economy tax cut thingy recently enacted by our government.

For me, it amounts to an extra $20 per paycheck.

Wow. It's a veritable windfall of funds, if you will.

We'll be back on our feet in no time.

Thanks, Obama!

C.T.

Why Blockbuster is helping Netflix

I have Netflix, and have had it for quite some time now. I love it, and I'm also IN love with it. Netflix can pretty much do no wrong, as far as I'm concerned.

Even if I HATED Netflix (which I don't), here is why Netflix. What follows is an event at Blockbuster this evening with a friend who does not have Netflix:

Us: I just turned in "insert sappy tearjerker movie here."
Blockbuster Drone: Yeah. The fee on that is $157.42.
Us: Ok, sure it was a couple of weeks late. But I thought Blockbuster had no late fees.
BD: Uh, yeah. We reinstated late fees a month or so ago.
Us: Ok, but I had no idea. And I just turned it in. So, do I really have to pay $157.42? I just want to rent these two movies now. And I just turned the other one in.
BD: Uh... yeah. It's late, so you owe $157.42.
Us: Ok, but I didn't know.
BD: Ok, but this is the late fee.
Us: So, if we pay $157.42 do we now OWN the movie? If so, go get it out of that bin WHERE WE JUST TURNED IT IN.
BD: Let me get a manager.
Us: ..................
BD Manager: Ok, we can take off that fee and add a warning to your record because now you know about the late fees.
Us: Awesome.
BD: Ok, it's $3.25 for those two movies. How many days do you want to keep them?
Us: What?
BD: How long do you want to keep the movies?
Us: Three days.
BD: Ok, you can choose one day, or five days.
Us: Ok, well then... one day.
BD: Great. Ok, if you don't return these tomorrow then there is a $450.94739 late fee per day that the movies are not returned.
Us: Fantastic.

Blockbuster.... making it DIFFICULT to rent movies by reinstating late fees at exorbitant prices starting less days than you request because they can't let you have the movie for as long as you want.

Netflix.... no late fees. Ever. Keep the movies as long as you want.

R.I.P. Blockbuster.

C.T.

A Better Stimulus Plan: The Tyrant Plan

I'm just gonna say it. I'm not real excited about this "stimulus" plan.

I mean, it just all seems thrown together, half-assed and ill-thought-out, with a bunch of stuff in it that has nothing to do with stimulating the economy or helping the millions of people who have lost practical jobs.

I'm sure spending billions of dollars on Global Warming will provide new jobs for some scientists or something. But for the people I know who have lost jobs and who need jobs, Global Warming ain't gonna help them now or any time soon.

Now, those senators and the President and whatnot did not ask for my help. But, I've put some thought into it. I believe I've come up with a better (and FAR less ridiculous) plan. It's actually really simple.

(I think maybe all the senators and congressmen didn't read that whole stimulus bill before voting because it was just really, really, really ridiculously too long and confusing.)

1. Deport all the illegal immigrants.
Just the illegal ones. This will free up, like, a BILLION jobs by next week, or maybe the week after.

2. Make gas free for all travel within the U.S.
Seriously, this is genius. The gas company executives made enough money in 2008 to live for like, 37 years. So they'll be okay if gas is free for a year or so. Airfare will go down and people will fly to places and spend money. People will drive places and spend money. People will be able to afford gas to get to work and earn money (at the new jobs freed up by getting rid of the immigrants). There is no flaw with this plan.

3. Stop giving money to banks and car companies and other irresponsible companies.
I mean, seriously. New banks pop up on every corner every five minutes like 7-elevens or something, except you can't even get a Slurpee at any of these superfluous banks. Stop giving banks more money unless they will give away free Slurpees every time they DON'T do something stupid with our money.

And the car companies? I mean, if they were serious about selling cars and not flying around in private jets right now, all cars should be at least half-off as a show of good faith. I don't want to buy a Hummer and get a Ford Focus thrown in for free. I want to buy two cars that I WANT for the price of ONE car. And then I will drive them around the country using free gas (see #3).

Other greedy companies? Same rules apply.

4. Give tax credits, refunds, whatever to ME.
You want people to start spending money again? The people who need the "stimulating" are people like ME. We make enough money at our regular jobs to be comfortable and are not in debt (unlike our governmental role models), yet we don't qualify for many (if any) of the rebates, refunds, or tax cuts in your new-fangled "stimulus" plan.

PLUS, we are scared out of our minds about what you people are doing with my hard-earned taxes these days that we'd rather hole up, watch our Netflix, and not spend any of our money out there where the country needs it. Who knows, we could be next to fall victim to governmental input on "fixing" the economy. You want this large chunk of America to start spending money again? Give us a reason to part with our pennies.

These are four simple things that I think can be MUCH more effective, and again, LESS ridiculous than the current plan.

But . . . no one wanted my help. So, I'll just sit here at home, watching my Netflix, holding on to my pennies for the next rainy day . . . in case this whole stimulus thingy doesn't work out so well.

C.T.

It was pretty much awesome.

C.T

Tyrant, you've just (a week ago) watched the Super Bowl.

What are you going to do now???

I'M GOING TO DISNEY WORLD!!!

Seriously. I am.

Is it legal to be cynical in the Happiest Place On Earth? We're going to find out, y'all.

C.T.

Watch out, y'all

C.T.

Ice Storm '09, y'all

I'm enjoying a leisurely Wednesday morning at home, still in my pjs, snuggled under my blankets, with my coffee, watching . . . ICE STORM '09 on T.V.

Work is delayed til noon. And I am snuggly.

For the past 30 minutes, ICE STORM '09 has consisted of the local news team pointing a camera at one particular ramp that is loaded with cars that are stuck and/or slipping and sliding into each other or into rails . . . and making comments about the whole mess.

I don't know how that is really helping get us through ICE STORM '09, and yet . . . I can't stop watching.

Glad I'm not out there.

C.T.

We have a new President. Now we need a new word.

Today was a big day for our country, no matter where you fall on the political spectrum. The inauguration of a new President is a big deal.

The inauguration of any President is a big deal. The inauguration of any President brings change. It's an exciting time.

All of the hub-bub of the day is certainly exciting. But mostly, the hub-bub got me thinking today. And here are my thoughts....

One thing I hope for the people of this country is that we are keeping our perspective on this change that has begun. We've used and heard the word "change" so much over the past few months of campaigns, election, and now on this day as our 44th President takes office, the word itself has almost taken on a life of its own. Or perhaps it's lost its real meaning.

Personally, I'm sick of hearing it. Not because I don't believe in it. Not because I am bitter towards the situation. I'm just concerned that the expectation and the excitement has ruined the word forever. And I'm concerned that "change" may translate into "undo" for those who are championing the word as though "change" is the answer to a world full of problems. It feels like the hope I'm hearing about today is synonamous with "change." And that's a little scary.

As a wise man once said, "I do not think that word means what you think it means." (Name the movie....)

Here's the thing, for me. Today, President Obama pledged to restore hope to this country. But, I had hope for this country before today, before Obama, during the last eight years of Bush, and I'll continue to have hope long after the Obama hype and the man himself has moved on. There are millions of Americans who have never stopped having hope for this country.

There's never been a reason to lose hope in this country. And if your hope started today, there's a bigger problem in this country than the problems that just left Office. Having hope is not a change.

I've been proud to be an American for 33 years. Well, at least for as long as I can remember. Today is not the day that makes me proud to be an American again. If you haven't been proud to be an American during the last eight years, that's a bigger problem that has nothing to do with the people who will come and go as our Commander in Chief.

Being proud of this country is not a change, and should not be a change that begins today.

President Obama also pledged to restore prosperity to our country. I don't know if you've looked around the world lately, but by any standard just about anywhere, the United States is an extremely prosperous country. I don't think this country's success in the area of prosperity is the issue, or even a concern. Prosperity is not what needs to be restored.

Yes, we are in an economic struggle. And we do have a lot of work to do to recover to a place of stability. But again, I ask that we keep things in perspective. This is not the poorest we've been or the worst situation we've been in. Prosperity (aka "greed") is actually the root of the problem that we have right now.

We certainly have challenges ahead. But, hear this: Obama cannot make the difference by himself. He may represent a new face on things. But by himself, he can't get a whole lot done.

I found this blog today and appreciated the message it gives and the perspective it brings, even though it's a little snarky even for my tastes. The hype of today, of Obama, is dangerous, and we need to chill. The worst thing we can do right now is set the man of the hour up for failure by placing all of our hopes in one basket, one man, one word . . . "change."

The party ends tonight, ladies and gentlemen. The 108 inaugural balls will end, the clock will strike midnight, the glass slipper gets left behind and our new President turns back into a working pumpkin tomorrow.

Because tomorrow, the world's eyes are on him. But not because he "is the change," or because he's popular among celebrities, or because he's hot, or because he's our first African-American President. None of that matters for the next four years. The celebrity "bubble" that's been the part-ay atmosphere since November is over. He will not be judged by his celebrity, by his abs, by how his wife dresses, or by the new Presidential puppy.

He will be judged by his successes, and his failures, as all other Presidents who have gone before him. And no matter how much hope you found today, there will be failures, my friends.

Tomorrow, the work begins. Tomorrow we begin to see what he's really made of, and what "change" really means.

Tomorrow he starts the massive task of proving himself, filling the shoes of Presidents before him, and leading this country into unity and to the next stage in our future. President Obama will not be compared only to now-former President George W. Bush. He'll be put up against all Presidents who have gone before him. And "change" should not be compared only to the past eight years.

This isn't a fad. This isn't Hollywood. This isn't a hip slogan about "change." This is the real deal now, folks. Let's get this thing into perspective.

I hope to be impressed by whatever change comes about, and I hope it takes the right amount of time to come into play so that it is effective, positive, and the best change it can be. No more, no less. I hope to be impressed by this man, our 44th President. I hope we celebrate him as much on his last day in office as we did today, on his first day. I don't see any reason why that can't happen.

But mostly, I hope we find a new word to use to shape and ultimately to remember this Presidency. This cannot be the Change Administration. No self-respecting leader wants to be known only for change. And I guarantee this: if change is the expectation, we will not be disappointed . . . except where the changes might not be in our best interest as a country, or the changes don't come soon enough for many of our expectations . . . or the changes don't mean what we thought they meant.

So, I encourage us to let that word go. I don't want to hear anymore about change, unless you are loaning me some change so I can get a Coke out of the machine.

But if we can't let it go, if we must keep that word as our mantra to get through the next four years, let's consider substituting another word. Like "pizza," or "bear hugs." Something that doesn't make me cringe or think of menopause (going through "the change") every time I hear it.

I appreciated much of Obama's speech today, particularly his reminder that the truths we desire and the truths we must adhere to today are the same truths that this country was founded upon. That never changes, no matter the person in place as our President.

That's a good reminder to us all, that maybe we aren't really in search of change in the way we have abused the word. But rather, maybe we just need a shift in focus to reposition our functionality back to our values that have always been there, from the beginning.

Bear hugs, y'all. Bear hugs.

C.T.

Farewell, Old Matresses

Tonight will be my last night of sleep on the mattresses I have had since . . . well, at least junior high. Maybe earlier than that.

I will not get into all of the details of what all these mattresses have been through. But the more I think about them, the more I am pretty sure they are biohazard status and should probably be disposed of through incineration. Or weighed down with rocks and sunk to the bottom of the deepest part of the ocean.

They've been good mattresses. At one time, they were really good, nice, firm mattresses that served me well.

But one day, you wake up and you realize that every morning starts with aches and pains and cricks because your tossed and turned all night and never got out of that one sunken spot in the middle of the bed where you were curled into an uncomfortable ball all night.

It hurts.

No more, my friends. No more.

For . . . tomorrow morning, bright and early, shiny brand new mattresses will arrive at my house. And the old ones will be carted away.

And then, I may never get out of bed again. The fantastic new mattresses that are on their way will be so amazing, so comfy, so sleep-worthy that I might just live there forever.

I am, however, a little frightened by what may or may not be living under my bed. It's been in that one spot for a little over five years now. I never look under there. It could be bad.

But, one last time, to honor the mattresses that have gotten me through many, many nights of sleep, and that have always been a safe sanctuary for me to crawl in and hunker down when the world is cruel, or (as was the case when I used to be afraid of those dang flying monkeys from The Wizard of Oz) a place of safety . . . a haiku. For you.

Old Mattresses, go
To mattress heaven, be gone
Good night sleep is here

Farewell, old friends . . . and hello new friends!

C.T.

Snark it as I see it: The Golden Globes

Back in the day, I used to provide my valuable insights here for many an awards show. The beauty of this now is that I have the wireless and the laptop and can literally blog live.

I'm going to attempt to publish as I go . . . more bullet points will pop up at the bottom as the night wears on . . . this could be awesome, or totally lame, and it's entirely possible I'll give up halfway through.

Otherwise, enjoy!

• The red carpet was so-so. I do, however, want to punch Miley in the face for complaining on national television that she only got her mom's hand-me-down Porche for her 16th birthday. I'm sorry, but in what actual reality is a hand-me-down Porche something to complain about?

• Drew Barrymore's hair reminds me of Tippi Hedren in The Birds after she gets swarmed and attacked by thousands of birds a few times.

• They say the Globes are the "fun" awards show, but so far that seems to mean "wheels off." I just saw someone carrying a chair across the room. JLo was screaming at people to shut up so she could present an award. The screen just went black. This is fun!
  

• No more awards for Kate Winslet. I like her and I like that she won, but I can't handle anymore of her thank-you speeches. I think she thanked me.

• It appears that if you are a woman and you win an award, the rule is that every man within arm's reach gets to kiss you on your way up to the stage. Depending on who you are sitting near, this could be bad . . .

• It's so nice that they pulled in a drunk, homeless man off the street to tell everyone (and Steven) to have a good time.

• Did Hayden just steal Zac Efron's line because she thought he wasn't paying attention? Rude.
  

• Last time I checked, Anna Paquin was 11 years old. What?

• I love how the stars just wander around willy nilly, and Ricky Gervais wanders on stage with a drink in hand. I'm not entirely sure why he was there, but he should do that a few more times tonight.

• Why must the Jonas Brothers show up and ruin EVERYTHING!!?!?!? Is there no sacred place left on earth where we aren't forced to Jo Bro???? That's it. One day when I am requested to attend an awards show, my one stipulation is that the Jonas Brothers are not anywhere within a 100 miles of the show.

• Why have I never heard of Happy Go Lucky until right now? I mean, seriously. No more awards to people who are from fake, made-up movies or who have to thank everyone in the world and who are in love with Emma Thompson.
  

• Correction: Johnny Depp should come on stage and look adorably uncomfortable a few more times during the show. Loverly. I would watch that all night.
  

• Seriously, the next award that someone sets on the stage? It's MINE. If you can't hold it for a minute and talk at the same time, I will hold it for you . . . forever.

• Drew Barrymore and Jessica Lange apparently have an inside joke on stage, y'all. Oh wait, no it's just that P-Diddy is a really bad actor . . . in the sun.

• I will always love Tom Hanks. He can do no wrong. Even though I have no idea what he just won.
  

• They got this one right. No snark here.

• Colin Farrell just snotted on the microphone and made an inappropriate joke. These awards are nothing, if not classy.

• Maggie Gyllenhal's dress, is, um, uh . . . not good. I think I also saw Glenn Close wearing her curtains, or perhaps a table cloth of some sort. You would think it wouldn't be so hard for famous people to not look stupid.

• Seriously? In Bruges is nominated as a Best Picture? What? It's cuz of that dwarf.
  

• Those Slumdog Millionare people are super cute. Good for them!

• Anyone who watched the new Scrubs last week and saw the very end will appreciate with me that Tony Shaloub did NOT win this year. Win one for Zach Braff, y'all.
  

• By my calculations, Rumer Willis wants to crawl under a table and do some cocaine with Mickey Rourke right about now, between the mommy "don't slouch" comment from Demi and the juice box thing from Alec Baldwin.
  

• I'm wearing Old Nay sweatpants and a Coke Is It t-shirt from a thrift store, by the way. I've accessorized with a bag full of Jelly Belly's. Not red carpet attire, but I'm totally comfy.
  

• I'm sorry, I was wrong. Renee Zellweger's hair reminds me of Tippi Hedrin from The Birds . . . and her dress just makes me sad. It's like butterfly netting attached to a cape, but not in a good way.
  

• Yes. Glenn Close is, in fact, wearing what I think was originally on her table when she first came in for the evening of awards festivities. And strangely, it kinda works for her in a room-decor-as-clothes sort of way.

• I don't think Tracy Morgan ever really knows where he is. He probably gave the same thank-you speech to himself this morning while he talked into a shampoo bottle in the shower.
  

• I've said it before, and I'll say it again. James Bond should never, EVER sing. That means you, Pierce.

• I'm a little surprised that Beyonce wasn't nominated for the Best Soundtrack to every viral video spoof in 2008. She totally would have won.
  

• Um, that guy just thanked the billion people of India. GENIUS.

• David Duchovny so far wins the Most Awkward Jokes About My Family To Cover Up That We Are Not So Happy Award.

• Tina Fey should always win things. Sorry, Mom. I find her to be hilarious with my kind of fantastic, sharp, sarcastic wit, and she's almost as good-looking as I am. Hollywood Foreign Press Action Figures . . . PURE GENIUS!!! I mean, Tina and I are the same kind of funny and I . . . . I'm sorry, I just got distracted again by Drew Barrymore's tumbleweedish hair . . . no idea where I was going with this . . .
  

• Cecile B. Demille Award = bathroom break and popcorn fetching
  

• Steven Spielberg's hair looks fine. And he apparently invented movies or something. And he just put his award down on the podium, which makes it MINE. I'm not kidding about that rule, y'all.
  

• I love Emma Thompson. She never seems to quite know what's going on. And I love when Dustin Hoffman is Rainman during awards shows. He's so silly! But is he, like, 3 feet tall? He could give that In Bruges dwarf a run for his money.

• Oh . . . it's really bad when you are introduced as the star of the "upcoming Lifetime movie . . . " Sigourney Weaver . . . where is the glory of Alien and Gorillas in the Mist when you need it?!?!?

• I'm still not understanding why In Bruges is winning awards, or nominated, for that matter. Even Colin Farrell doesn't understand why he's up there getting an award. But he does wear two earrings, so he's got that going for him. Really, if anyone should win from this movie, it should be the dwarf. He wore a funny hat!

• Sacha Baron Cohen . . . not so much funny tonight. Where's Borat?

• Now, is Vicky Cristina Barcelona a Comedy? Or a musical. I'm confused. Mostly at why Comedy or Musical is all one category. What if it's a sad musical? Or a comedy with a tragic ending?

• I just saw Tom Cruise trying to recruit Kate Winslet to Scientology. And now I'm watching a commercial for Quiznos "chefs." As if Scientology or Quiznos chefs are both things that exist as things that are real . . .
  

• Oh, Slumdog Millionare guy with the bedazzled necktie tucked into your shirt? Um, no. I'm happy for you and your movie. But I'm not happy for that tie.
  

• Cameron Diaz seems to be literally wrapped up in an Ace bandage as her dress. Genius, and affordable. And if she falls because it's wrapped too, tight, no worries. She's set and wrapped already for a full body sprain.
  

• Angelina might murder someone if she doesn't win that Lead Actress award eventually. Shot down at the Critic's Choice, and now that girl from Titanic takes the Globe from her . . . and then forgets Angelina was even one of the nominees in her speech . . . . The good thing is that the Academy will not want to sit through Kate Winslet's speeches again. So, what's-her-name could get her shot at the Oscars.
  

• Wheels off, Rainn and Blake.

• I have no idea what the Mad Men guy is rambling on about. Bring back Kate Winslet's speech, please.

• Mickey Rourke should have washed his hair to get an award tonight. I think he tripped up the stairs from all the hair grease. But, congrats anyway! Wait, did he just thank his dog? Nevermind. Please take his award back, pronto.
  

• I don't think middle fingers are allowed on primetime T.V., and that means you, director of The Wrestler.
  

• I wish Tom Cruise was wearing the eye patch to present the last award. I really do.
  

• Accepting the award for Slumdog Millionare are the one billion people of India. This could take awhile . . . everyone please keep your seats.

Well, that's it from The Tyrant's Couch Blogging of the 66th Annual Golden Globe Awards, and first ever live blogging event. There were some odd wins, and some even odder outfits. Thankfully, this makes my snarky blogging job easy.

Thank you, and good night. And don't vote for Kate Winslet for any Oscars until she learns how to ramble less.

Oh, I almost forgot . . . The Birds.


C.T.

The price of fame...

Since my awesome music video has hit the interweb, my level of famousness has increased several-fold.

Paparazzi around every corner and hiding in every bush. At least, I don't THINK I'm imagining that.

Interviews, special appearances . . . you know, it just never stops.

I will write again.

C.T.

This article is wrong.

Because I'd say TWO women rule YouTube . . .

Beyonce & ME.

FOXNews.com - One Woman Rules Youtube

Move over, Beyonce.

C.T.

And what did YOU do over your Christmas break . . .

I accidentally did THIS . . .



Once again, that film degree is paying off . . .

C.T.

Can you even fathom 30,000 pairs of shoes?

Well, I can. And I'll tell you why.

If you'll recall, my newest favorite thing is TOMS shoes. For every pair of shoes or item of TOMS apparel that is purchased, they give a pair of shoes to a child who needs shoes.

This month, right now, they are nearing the mark of providing 30,000 shoes for 30,000 children in Ethiopia. And what's even cooler than a big ol' pile of 30,000 shoes is that they've done this in 30 days.

30,000 shoes in 30 days. Almost . . .

If you're looking for last-minute gift idea for a friend or loved one, go buy a pair of TOMS and help reach that goal of 30,000 shoes for kids in Ethiopia.

I have two pairs of TOMS now, and they have quickly become my favorite shoes. If you don't know how big your friends's feets are, get them a gift card. Or a hat. Or a hoodie. Everything is the same as a pair of shoes for a child.

Then, take the money your grandma sends you for Christmas and do some shopping for yourself at TOMS. T-shirt, shoes, tiny shoes for a tiny person that you may know . . .

See how close to 30,000 pairs of shoes? But not close enough . . . yet.

www.tomsshoes.com

Now.

C.T.

Ok, about the guy who threw the shoe . . .

Anyone who saw the story about the guy who threw the shoe at President Bush and who did not immediately think of Austin Powers . . . "I mean, who throws a shoe? Who DOES that!?!?" . . . I don't even want to know you.

Now, I'm failing to understand this whole shoe-throwing thing. I understand this Iraqi guy wanted to disgrace Bush. But . . . I'm pretty sure that's not what he accomplished.

I did, however, learn that throwing a shoe is the best and most culturally accepted way to disgrace someone. Who knew?

I mean, how did he really expect this to play out? For one thing, after throwing two shoes, you are now shoeless . . . which probably makes it harder to run away from cops and Secret Service, I would imagine.

I have no idea, however, from personal experience . . .

I mean, if for no other reason, he would stand out as being the only guy in the room without shoes. I wasn't there, but I'm pretty sure everyone else in the room had not one, but two shoes on.

And I'd be willing to put money on the fact that there would likely also be a foot odor of some sort following him as he tried to make his escape, thusly drawing even more attention to his shoeless getaway.

So, was his plan really to show up at the press event, no less, full of cameras and reporters, throw some shoes, then expect to make a clean getaway, only to read about himself the next day as a Mysterious Shoe-Throwing Superhero who successfully disgraced that American President Bush when no one else could?

Maybe a little more thought should have gone into that plan, seeing as how he's now in jail for tossing his shoes . . . He maybe should have just mailed his shoes to the White House with a nasty note or something. Or perhaps e-mailed a picture of a shoe with a harsh limerick?

Whatever. Next time I need to disgrace anyone, I'm definitely throwing one or both of my size 9.5s. I'm pretty fast in just my socks. I think I could make it.

C.T.

I'm apparently not mean enough

Today a friend told me that I'm too nice and I should not do nice things for her because it might be weird that I'm so nice.

I can honestly say this is the first time anyone has said this to me. I am thoroughly confounded. I wonder if she's actually met me.

I mean, I guess it's better than, "Hey you're really mean and you should quit doing mean things to me, jerk." So, I guess it's a good problem to have, being too nice.

But, I've never thought of myself as all that nice.

I mean, I like to do nice things for people. But usually when it's convenient for me, like, I'm already going that way or something. Or, if I need one, too, then sure, I'll get one for you, too, but I might charge you for gas.

If I have to get up too early to help you, I'll more likely fake a seizure and leave you high and dry. If you need me to do something I don't normally do, I'll probably weasel out of it because I'm "sick."

If I have to drive too far to help you, or if I don't already have what you need, chances are I won't answer the phone when you call.

If it's an emergency and I'm busy napping or watching T.V. but you really need my help, unless I can DVR whatever I'm watching or nap while I'm helping you, you're probably out of luck. And if you wake me from a nap, well, you don't want to deal with that angry mess anyway. It's nicer of me to stay here and leave you somewhere on the side of the road.

I have no shame in making fun of whatever you're wearing or making snarky comments behind your back if your hair looks weird. I've been known to not open doors for old people or people in wheelchairs . . . without even thinking twice. I will not hesitate to cut you off in traffic or tailgate you until you get out of my way.

If I'm really annoyed by you, I won't even make eye contact. If that results in me running into you and knocking you down because I refuse to look at you, it's not my fault. You got in my way.

So, basically telling me to not be so nice is the same as asking me to punch you in the face for no good reason at all. Everyday. When you're not expecting it.

But since you insist, so be it.

Get out of my way.

C.T.

I do everything to the best of my abilities.

This includes getting sick.

This weekend's illness event was a fun combination of laryngitis, what I think was a cold, plus an eye infection that started in one eye and then moved to the other one. I like to think it was what it was like to be Helen Keller, except I could still hear. Mostly.

Not only was it fun, but I looked good, too.

I give 100% to everything I do. Even germs.

C.T.