I'm apparently not mean enough

Today a friend told me that I'm too nice and I should not do nice things for her because it might be weird that I'm so nice.

I can honestly say this is the first time anyone has said this to me. I am thoroughly confounded. I wonder if she's actually met me.

I mean, I guess it's better than, "Hey you're really mean and you should quit doing mean things to me, jerk." So, I guess it's a good problem to have, being too nice.

But, I've never thought of myself as all that nice.

I mean, I like to do nice things for people. But usually when it's convenient for me, like, I'm already going that way or something. Or, if I need one, too, then sure, I'll get one for you, too, but I might charge you for gas.

If I have to get up too early to help you, I'll more likely fake a seizure and leave you high and dry. If you need me to do something I don't normally do, I'll probably weasel out of it because I'm "sick."

If I have to drive too far to help you, or if I don't already have what you need, chances are I won't answer the phone when you call.

If it's an emergency and I'm busy napping or watching T.V. but you really need my help, unless I can DVR whatever I'm watching or nap while I'm helping you, you're probably out of luck. And if you wake me from a nap, well, you don't want to deal with that angry mess anyway. It's nicer of me to stay here and leave you somewhere on the side of the road.

I have no shame in making fun of whatever you're wearing or making snarky comments behind your back if your hair looks weird. I've been known to not open doors for old people or people in wheelchairs . . . without even thinking twice. I will not hesitate to cut you off in traffic or tailgate you until you get out of my way.

If I'm really annoyed by you, I won't even make eye contact. If that results in me running into you and knocking you down because I refuse to look at you, it's not my fault. You got in my way.

So, basically telling me to not be so nice is the same as asking me to punch you in the face for no good reason at all. Everyday. When you're not expecting it.

But since you insist, so be it.

Get out of my way.

C.T.