Thursday, February 19, 2009

A Better Stimulus Plan: The Tyrant Plan

I'm just gonna say it. I'm not real excited about this "stimulus" plan.

I mean, it just all seems thrown together, half-assed and ill-thought-out, with a bunch of stuff in it that has nothing to do with stimulating the economy or helping the millions of people who have lost practical jobs.

I'm sure spending billions of dollars on Global Warming will provide new jobs for some scientists or something. But for the people I know who have lost jobs and who need jobs, Global Warming ain't gonna help them now or any time soon.

Now, those senators and the President and whatnot did not ask for my help. But, I've put some thought into it. I believe I've come up with a better (and FAR less ridiculous) plan. It's actually really simple.

(I think maybe all the senators and congressmen didn't read that whole stimulus bill before voting because it was just really, really, really ridiculously too long and confusing.)

1. Deport all the illegal immigrants.
Just the illegal ones. This will free up, like, a BILLION jobs by next week, or maybe the week after.

2. Make gas free for all travel within the U.S.
Seriously, this is genius. The gas company executives made enough money in 2008 to live for like, 37 years. So they'll be okay if gas is free for a year or so. Airfare will go down and people will fly to places and spend money. People will drive places and spend money. People will be able to afford gas to get to work and earn money (at the new jobs freed up by getting rid of the immigrants). There is no flaw with this plan.

3. Stop giving money to banks and car companies and other irresponsible companies.
I mean, seriously. New banks pop up on every corner every five minutes like 7-elevens or something, except you can't even get a Slurpee at any of these superfluous banks. Stop giving banks more money unless they will give away free Slurpees every time they DON'T do something stupid with our money.

And the car companies? I mean, if they were serious about selling cars and not flying around in private jets right now, all cars should be at least half-off as a show of good faith. I don't want to buy a Hummer and get a Ford Focus thrown in for free. I want to buy two cars that I WANT for the price of ONE car. And then I will drive them around the country using free gas (see #3).

Other greedy companies? Same rules apply.

4. Give tax credits, refunds, whatever to ME.
You want people to start spending money again? The people who need the "stimulating" are people like ME. We make enough money at our regular jobs to be comfortable and are not in debt (unlike our governmental role models), yet we don't qualify for many (if any) of the rebates, refunds, or tax cuts in your new-fangled "stimulus" plan.

PLUS, we are scared out of our minds about what you people are doing with my hard-earned taxes these days that we'd rather hole up, watch our Netflix, and not spend any of our money out there where the country needs it. Who knows, we could be next to fall victim to governmental input on "fixing" the economy. You want this large chunk of America to start spending money again? Give us a reason to part with our pennies.

These are four simple things that I think can be MUCH more effective, and again, LESS ridiculous than the current plan.

But . . . no one wanted my help. So, I'll just sit here at home, watching my Netflix, holding on to my pennies for the next rainy day . . . in case this whole stimulus thingy doesn't work out so well.



kerri said...

hey! okay..a couple of friendly dissents:

1. do you realize what would happen if we suddenly deported all illegal immigrants? the economy would stop. completely and totally. think of all the things that you see illegal immigrants doing and think of what would happen if that all of the sudden stopped one day? also, do you realize how much it would cost to round up and deport those millions of people, and keep them out? dude, a LOT.

2. free gas for the nation would cost $730 billion, which is about the price tag on the entire stimulus as it passed.

3. the corporate welfare stuff makes me nervous, too. i see it as keeping some people employed until we can get out of this mess, but yeah...

4. the tax cuts that are included in the stimulus bill are the largest in US history. ever.

kerri said...

oh, and 5. the reason why the border fence has never passed is because repubs don't want to spend that much money.

so we're at a classic impasse.

The Cynical Tyrant said...

the point is the current plan is redic. there's stuff in it that doesn't belong in it and has nothing to do with real people who have lost real jobs or with stimulating the economy.

so what if they're the biggest tax cuts ever. if they aren't going to help the right people or be big ENOUGH, doesn't matter if they are the biggest ever.

my redic plan is more practical.... and funnier.

i don't care about a border fence. although building one would create jobs......

kerri said...

so, what stuff doesn't belong in it? have you read it? i haven't. just sayin that YOUR points wouldn't work, but i'm guessing you know that, since you said they were funny.

that makes me feel better :)

The Cynical Tyrant said...

read it, at least what is posted online about it. if you think everything that is in it belongs in it or will actually stimulate the economy, let's talk.