Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Uncle Sam wants ME

. . . for jury duty.

It finally happened. Today, I received a jury summons.

It is clear that all of my years of watching crime dramas on T.V. has finally come to the attention of someone who is fairly influencial in courts around here, and who obviously values my expertise on a jury in what I'm sure will be a high-profile case.

Perhaps I will be the juror who finally figures out what to do with Britney's kids. Or maybe, I'll be the deciding vote to make world peace mandatory, and world hunger outlawed.

I could save the world as Juror # Whatever.

Save the Juror, save the world . . .

It's my first summons, except for when I was in school and could get out of it because I was a student. It's all very exciting. Things have been going pretty well for me lately. I can only assume this is the next big thing I am to conquer. My next stage, if you will, to take a bite out of crime.

Consider it already bitten.

I'm not even thinking that I won't get picked. I'm just wondering how quickly after I get there will they beg me to stay.

I will out-jure all of the other jurors.

I will be inducted into the Juror Hall of Fame.

I will be the world's most sought-after juror. Courts and lawyers and judges and even the President will want me to be a juror for the world's most significant cases. I will be the first ever Professional Juror, by appointment only.

Juries won't summon me. I will summon juries.

The Supreme Court? I will one day be the only juror they have ever had, or will ever need.

I will pretty much invent being juror. I will jure in ways that you've never seen before. I will set records for the world's fastest juring.

Eventually I won't even need to sit in on the trial. Just send me a text message with some fast facts and a photo of the criminal in question, and I'll have an answer for you in 30 minutes or less.

They will clone me for juries of the future.

I have only a few weeks to prepare for my summons. There is a lot of Law & Order to be watched and John Grisham books to be read.

I can handle the truth.


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