Saturday, January 12, 2008

When you try your best, but you don't succeed . . .

I don't really have a brilliant way to start this post, except to say that I don't understand life and death.

I'd venture to say that there aren't many in this world who do.

Earlier this week, I went to a funeral of a friend who decided that he'd had enough with life. So, he quit. He left friends and family behind to be sad and mad and to wonder why there wasn't a better answer to his question about life or death.

I find myself not understanding this at all. I find myself thinking about it a lot. I find myself angry about it. I do not like when I cannot figure things out.

Today I drove a few hours to be with my Grandma who is now considered terminal with hospice care. We have someone watch her round the clock, and I had the shift to sit with her this evening. Again, I find myself not understanding life and death.

I understand hers more than the one earlier this week. It is time, and there is a peace about it. I sat watching her sleep tonight, alert at every sound or face that she makes, wanting her to be comfortable and doing what I can to help with that.

She is old. She has earned it. We are not fighting to keep her. She is not fighting to stay. But the difference here is that she is definitely afraid of going. He was afraid of staying.

The start of my 2008 will include mourning the loss of someone who quit, as well as someone who ended.

I guess I'll have the rest of the year to try and figure it out.



Roberta S said...

You wrote this in a brilliant way even though you thought you couldn't. Your take on the mysteries of life and death was not only fascinating but very touching. I can only think as someone once said (my own interpretation) that if we understood all about life and death, our lifes would be mechanical, mundane, and we would not be moved as I was today by the thoughts you expressed in this post -- particularly your thoughts about one wanting to stay and another wanting to leave.

All that aside, from this odd place where strangers feel like close friends, I send you whatever level of comfort can be transmitted by another's presence and regard.

meghant said...

You're a beautiful writer, and a beautiful person. I send you whatever prayers and thoughts you need. I pray that your Grandma finds peace and is no longer afraid. I hope she passes knowing how loved she is by such a wonderful granddaughter. Just know that Miriam is about to have more company hanging out in the heavens with her :)