Saturday, November 11, 2006

It's Britney's Prerogative
Y'all! They broke up!

Today I had the good fortune to stumble upon a bit of television programming that dared to delve into the why of Britney and K-fed and all that they ever were, and all that they never more shall be. We may never know what really happened and why they are getting divorced. I mean, I believed it would work between them forever, as much as the next person believed. But I tell you this: the TV Guide Channel's panel discussion Britney & Kevin: Toxic will get as close to understanding the truth as we could ever hope.


The show featured an expert palimony lawyer, the music director for Yahoo! Music, and two TV Guide Channel personalities that I neither know, nor care about. Together, they reviewed the couple's history, recent events, and the aftermath of the big breakup.

Some important issues that were discussed:

1. K-fed's future.
It's not good, y'all. The general consensus of the panel was that K-fed's future is no brighter than an upcoming season of The Surreal Life. I have to concur with that assessment. He's not going to make it as a rapper. He will fade into oblivion, back from whence he came before his awesome dance moves woo-ed Miss Spears.

2. K-fed's livelihood
Mr. Palimony Expert predicted that K-fed will probably end up with a settlement of a set amount of money per month for half the amount of time they were married. He guessed it could be something like $300,000 a month. And I say... that doesn't sound too bad. In fact, I myself would marry Britney for that kind of a deal. Seriously. I would.

3. What led up to the big divorce announcement last week?
Apparently Britney and Kevin met with separate divorce lawyers back in June. Just to see "what if". Which, you know, is the first thing you should do when trying to make a marriage work. Go hang out with some divorce lawyers and just toss ideas around.

Of course, that was right around the time this interview took place:

So what can we conclude from these events? Well, clearly Matt Lauer and Britney hooked up, Kevin got jealous, he released the worst rap album in the history of the world, you know, out of spite. And Britney finally decided she had enough of The Fed and she left him for Matt.

(I came up with that all by myself).

4. Apparently, on Halloween night, K-fed held a party for the release of his awesome new CD, in New York. Britney arrived to the party separately, did not speak to him all night, and then left in tears. I have a feeling that a lot of people left that party in tears, but only one announced a divorce from K-fed a few days later. And that person.... was Britney.

5. Y'all (and this is where the panel discussion really got to the heart of the matter), it's important to remember that there are children involved in this whole situation. We must think of the children. And my thought is this: between Britney and K-fed, which one will the kids be better off with? If you ask me, that's a lose-lose situation. Don't get me wrong, I loves me some Britney. But should she be in charge of little people? I don't think so. K-fed would probably sell them to produce his next awesome CD. I think what's best for the kids is if they declare legal emancipation from both Britney and K-fed, get their own reality show on MTV, and let the country raise them.

That pretty much sums up the show.

But what I'm here to say is... welcome back Britney! I am tired of this:

And... this:

And especially..... this:

And I think I can speak for the country when I say that we are ALL ready for your comeback. Because we prefer this:

You had a few bad, white trash years. But shake it off, girl. There has been a void in our world without you. So get back in the studio, get back on stage, quit marrying trailer trash, and bring back the pop princess we all know and love.

It's just you against the music now. Hit us, baby.

One. More. Time.


No comments: