Yeller
I've determined that the ideal person that I am missing in my life is someone who I can yell at. And that is the only purpose they serve.

Why? Well, I'll tell you.

Not that I yell a lot, mind you. Or have a need to yell much or often. But sometimes, there just needs to be some yelling. Because nothing else seems to work, and the only thing that feels like it will make me feel better is to yell at someone, in a big way. You know?

I have good friends. I have family. I have lots of good people who are good in my life. But these are all relationships that could potentially be damaged by dealing with too much of my crazy, throughout the course of knowing me.

Sometimes I am mad. Or hurt. Or frustrated. Or whatever. Maybe about something in particular. Or maybe I'm just having one of those "mad at the world" days. And sometimes I just need someone I can yell at for a few minutes.

However, this needs to be someone not directly related to why I am needing to yell. Or more importantly, someone who doesn't really have any idea about why I am yelling. It needs to be an impartial third party.

Hence, a yeller.

Sure, I have friends who will take a good yelling from me. And I don't mind getting yelled at from time to time. We all need to have these friends in our lives who will put up with a yelling on occasion. But it is rare that I will do that to them. And it is rare that they will take that from me. Especially if I'm yelling for no good reason, or for something they didn't do.

It's not fair to yell when the person receiving the yelling is not responsible.

So, to have a yeller in my life would get rid of the issue of hurting a friend's feelings, or taking advantage of a relationship by yelling too much. This yeller person would serve the sole purpose of being the person I can call in the event I need to yell about something.

It could be a friend, but more likely it would be a random person that isn't directly in my life. Someone I only talk to when I need to yell. Someone who doesn't need to know the details, doesn't really care about me, and of course, doesn't yell back or offer advice during the yelling.

Most importantly, that person has to be available in the middle of the night, completely okay with me calling to wake him or her up for a good yelling, and absolutely unaffected by the whole ordeal and not mad at me the morning after. It is important for this person to be non-affected and completely unfazed. That way I don't feel guilty for yelling, and he or she is certain not to care at all about anything I've yelled about.

It's perfect. No strings attached. No commitment, other than being the person I know I can call when I wake up, can't sleep, and I need to let someone have it.

I will be auditioning for the role of my yeller, possibly anytime, potentially between the hours of 2 and 4am, weeknights only. Be sure to leave me your phone number if you are interested.

C.T.