So much to say.
There's a lot going on for me right now. I hope to blog about all or most of it soon enough. Exciting things, new things, and just moments I've had and thoughts that come with the moments that I'd like to share if I can find a way to get it all on a page in words that make sense. It's an interesting time for me right now.

I'm like, growing and stuff. And I don't mean taller or larger.

Tonight I am very tired and longing for my bed and good sleep, but I have things I want to say and thoughts busily running amok in my head. I've noticed lately I've been a bit shy about blogging and getting personal on the blog. Lots of eyes read this, and I've been more self-conscious of what I write lately, unsure of how much to share with such a wide variety of eyes. Some who know me, many who don't. And some who are a part of what goes on with me, the things I experience, these thoughts that are provoked. I've discovered it's a fine line between sharing myself and opening up a bit more than is comfortable for me, and maybe sharing too much.

It's easy to write to an audience I can't see. There are no eyes looking back at me, intimidating me, helping me filter what I say and share. Is this all stuff I want people to know? Is it okay to write about what goes on with me? Or do I sometimes forget that when I put it here on the blog, people will know it. It's not just a book or journal that I write into here. It's a story I'm telling, and people read it. It's been awhile since I've struggled with that on the blog. But I think it's mostly because I'm just out of practice from blogging regularly. I have to remind myself that I put things out here that I want people to know. It's good for me. It's safe.

Well, mostly safe.

So, back to what I want to say for now. I just returned from a quick weekend in California, visiting some friends. These are people who I love dearly and who have blessed me tremendously in the time I've known them, just in knowing them. I always come back from time with them feeling great. They love me. And I always know that when I'm with them. We are family in a not-actually-related sense (although I'm pretty sure their son gets some of his unique qualities from Crazy Auntie Tyrant - especially his talents and good looks). I treasure the family they are to me.

I don't even really know how we became friends. We've never lived in the same city, or even the same state. I met Friend J through a network of organizations that worked together at a job I had several years ago. We would see each other at conferences, and we'd chat. Then we were chatting more, and eventually keeping up with each other outside of work related events. Finally we discovered that she is weird and I am weird, and we decided to know each other for a long time and ever after (she bought me a thing for my wall that says as much). We match. We get each other. It's good.

Friend J's husband is a Marine. He's been a Marine for a long time. Not active, but still Marine-ing. Recently, however, he was re-activated and inevitably shipped off to Iraq for too many months. This was when his Marine-ish-ness became real to me. This is what he does. It's very bizarre. I know him in California. I've never actually seen him do any Marine stuff. It doesn't fit that he was not there for a long time, and instead in the middle of this Iraq stuff I keep seeing on TV.

Last week he came back from Iraq. This weekend we threw him a party. I was there for the going away party months ago. I was glad to be able to go to California for the welcoming home party this weekend. These people mean the world to me. I very much wanted to see him home, with his family, as things should be.

I only had a short weekend with them, but I came home with a new respect for what these guys (and girls) do way over there in Iraq. He showed me a slideshow he made of pictures during his time there, and I looked through all 600-plus pictures more than once, just mesmerized at what his life was like for the past eight months. Stuff you don't see on TV. Scenes of Marines and helicopters and desert, but with my Marine Friend J's face mixed in every once in awhile. Except it was Marine Friend J loaded down in Marine gear and large guns.

The last time I saw him, he was rolling around the floor with his tiny son, in pj's, reading a book out loud in silly voices. Not at all Marine-like.

It made the whole Iraq thing very real. The pictures, seeing him now after so many months of being shot at regularly while flying helicopters in the desert. He looked good, but tired. He seemed good, but different. Maybe it was his desert farmers tan, having only previously ever seen him as white, or as sunburned as I ever am. Never tan. It was odd to see him tan.

I have to admit, I haven't paid a whole lot of attention to the Iraq thing. It's far away, it's been going on for awhile. It's faces and people I don't know. Except now my friend has a weird tan from too much time in the desert. And there are 600-plus pictures of proof that it isn't so far away, it is people we know..... and it will continue going on for awhile.

Marine Friend J has to go back to Iraq in April.

In looking through the pictures, I realized the sacrifice these people make. The close quarters, the all-Marines all-the-time, the less-than-tantalizing food-type-stuff, the group bathroom experience. The heat. My God, the heat! It's not anything like home. But the sacrifice is not unique to just the men and women who go to Iraq. It's also the families who are left here. My heart has been broken for Friend J and Son A while Marine J has been gone. They've had to keep going without dad around to be a part of things as he usually is. Son A is almost two years old now, and in the time his dad has been in Iraq he has learned to walk and talk. Marine J returned to a family that was quite different than when he left. And if it were me, this might be harder than the whole eight months away. Fitting back into a life that went on without me. And knowing I'll have to do it all again before it all has time to sink in and feel right again.

Whether or not you agree with what is going on in Iraq or how the U.S. is handling the situation, remember that it really comes down to people. Lives. Families. Sacrifices.

Those guys over there with guns are the same guys you see here in pj's.

Keep them in your thoughts and prayers.

C.T.