Romy and Michelle
It seems like several significant life things are going on lately for me. But none scarier, or more age-defining than..... the Ten Year Highschool Reunion.

Oh yes. The Tyrant is that old.

So, my reunion is coming up this weekend. And it's brought a flurry of emotions and thoughts along with it. When I received the first announcement about it several months ago, I pretty much decided not to go. Why go? I don't talk to those people anymore. I didn't have a lot going for me (or so it seemed to me). Why waste the time and money? I decided I didn't need the blow to the ego.

Here was the situation at the time: I had a job I hated, no husband, no kids, no prospects for husband or kids, I don't even have a pet. I live within ten miles of where I went to highschool, and this also happens to be ten minutes from where my parents live. I also have no Pulitzer Prize, nor an Olympic medal, nor have I made it on any reality television shows. My novel isn't published, nor is it likely to be read by people who don't know me or who haven't read it, yet. And, worst of all, my hair greatly resembled something of the mullet genre.

It was a very dire situation.

But since then, some things have changed. I have a job I like now (we can call it an 'advertising career' for the purposes of the reunion festivities). I own a home (which technically I owned when the situation seemed bad, but it makes the story better to mention it now instead). I have a Boy (which is what has been taking up a lot of my blogging time lately), and he is most definitely going with me to this reunion thingy. And, while I haven't won any awards or medals, and I haven't published any of my writing, I do technically have a 'website' with 'merchandise'. And I'm way hotter than I was in highschool. I've had a haircut to rid my head from the mullet. And I can probably come up with a few good stories to make myself more interesting for a few hours this weekend.

All in all, the situation is much more presentable. Thusly, I am going to the reunion.

But, this whole thought process and freaking out over who I am and what I've done at this time in my life got me thinking. Ten years ago I went through four years of trying to fit in. We go to highschool and struggle through years of trying to be accepted, trying to impress people, wanting to be with the right crowds and do the right things, trying to make a name for ourself. By the end of those four years we hope to come away with a few accomplishments, some good relationships, and a promising future beyond the walls of that have kept us thus far.

We do a lot of work to be a part of highschool. Then ten years pass, and here I am again- finding myself trying to fit in with the same group of people. Why do we do this? Is highschool forever to be a cycle of trying to be 'someone'? I feel certain I'm not the only one concerned about the impression I will make amongst these people here in a few days.

I have kept in touch with no one from highschool. Not a one. For awhile I did. But things change, distance occurs, and eventually I lost touch. Occasionally I'll see someone or hear from someone. But for the most part, those friendships and acquaintances have drifted away over the years. Now suddenly, in just a few days, I'll be thrown back into another experience with them. The first round of highschool with them was significant. It is an important time. We learn a lot about who we are to be during highschool. We graduate. We take a big step from one life to another, and it's all with the same group of people. Ten years later, you're back with them to experience another milestone. Whether you liked any of them or not, whether you stayed friends or not, there they are again to go through another rite of passage with you.

Am I going to show up and find out I graduated with a Pulitzer Prize winner? Or an Olympic medalist? Someone famous? It's possible. But that doesn't make me any less worthy to be there with my story and my life. Yet, I probably am not the only one that has considered not going because I'm not sure what I have to show for the last ten years.

I realized, though, that when I really think about it, I remember very few people from highschool. I was in the band, and not only in the band, but I was the drum major. The head band nerd. The leader of them all. I knew a lot of people because the band was large and I was in charge of them all.

But, outside of those people I didn't know a lot of people. I mean, I knew them. I was popular enough. I mixed well with other groups because I was the 'cool' band person. But, I couldn't tell you now who the really popular kids were. Or the hottest guy. Or the prettiest girl. Maybe I just didn't pay attention. Or maybe I just remember the more important things about my time in highschool. Like, the best friend I had throughout that I no longer keep in touch with. Or the few guys I dated. Or the group of friends who went everywhere with me, the ones I 'belonged' with. Does it matter who was the most popular? I don't think so. I didn't especially love highschool. But thinking about it now, I had what I needed.

Tonight I got out my yearbooks in a last attempt to recall some faces and names and to remember what highschool was like. I have to say that after looking through them, I'm even more excited about the reunion. I can't really explain why. I'm not at all impressed with the way I really looked ten years ago (seriously, the hair?? what is up??) But maybe I just need to see and be around people that used to know me. Maybe I'm curious. Maybe I have a tiny bit of hope that there are still some friendships there for me.

Or perhaps I just need to see how far I've come. I read through a lot of the notes people wrote in my yearbooks. My best friend wrote a long letter that is truly one of the most beautiful things anyone has ever said or written to me. Man, I miss that. The "Best Friend". But many of the names written with the messages are names that I can't put a face with. I don't know who these people are. Granted, I graduated with 800 people, including two people sitting on either side of me at graduation that I'd never seen before the day of graduation. But still, you'd think the ones who took the time to write in my book would evoke some sort of memory of them.

Anyway, there were several common themes in my yearbook messages:
- you're funny. really funny. we didn't hang out but you made class funny. stay funny.
- you're sarcastic. really sarcastic. it's really funny. stay sarcastic.
- congrats on making drum major. you should make band funny. finally, a funny drum major.
- congrats on making drum major. you're a great leader. we need a great leader.
- it was great getting to know you better this year.
- you're so cool. and i really mean that.
- here's my phone number. let's hang out this summer.

Seriously, I'm surprised at the number of phone numbers in my yearbooks. Not that it means people were actually anxious to hang out with me. But I have to wonder what would have happened with all those people if I'd actually called all the phone numbers with, "Hey, you said we'd hang out. You put your phone number in my yearbook." It would probably teach them to not give out their phone number so easily. Maybe I should call them now.... you said we'd hang out! Hang out with me!!

I wonder if I handed a 'yearbook' or even just a blank sheet of paper to my friends now and told them to write something to me, if the sentiments would be similar to what I found in my yearbook. I don't think they would be. I'd still get the comments about being funny. I think that's probably what people know best about me. But I'm not sure people would recognize leadership in me now. I tend to steer clear of responsibility these days. And it would be interesting to see what else they see in me or notice about me (besides my killer good looks....) to compare with what people saw in me ten years ago. What I really wonder is how well people think they know me, versus how well I let them know me.

I'm pretty sure that knowing me now is completely different than knowing me then. And I'm almost certain 'knowing' me then was just that- 'knowing', in a vague sense of the word. I don't think I let people really know me in highschool. I was funny, I was 'on', I could get the laugh, I could lead a group. That's all people really needed to know about me. I don't think I really even knew myself. I'm still not sure I really do, but I do know I have let more people since highschool and who know me now really know me.

If I've accomplished nothing else in the ten years since highschool, that one ranks pretty high in my book. I'm proud of that. I probably won't start many conversations at the reunion with that tidbit of information (I don't want to be laughed at for the wrong reasons - I do have a funny reputation to uphold). But for me, letting people really know me is a bigger accomplishment than a Pulitzer anyday. And tonight, realizing that difference from ten years ago, well, I feel pretty good.

Too bad Romy and Michelle invented Post It Notes, though. I was going to use that one for me.....

I'll keep you 'posted' on the reunion festivities. HA! See? I'm still funny....

C.T.