Tuesday, October 31, 2006

I tend to be a bit of a scrooge when it comes to trick-or-treators.
As a kid, we celebrated my dad's Halloween birthday every year, instead of trick-or-treating. We still celebrate dad every year, but at the ripe old age of 30 I don't really care that I'm missing out on trick-or-treating. I never really missed it as a kid, either.

What we did instead of wandering around the neighborhood in search of candy from our neighbors was find inventive ways to avoid trick-or-treaters. We'd take my dad out to dinner for his birthday, like, all night. We'd stay gone for hours. Sometimes we'd stay home and hide in the basement with the lights out, the only light in the house coming from the T.V. with the volume turned low.

As such, I've become somewhat of an expert on thwarting attempts to trick-or-treat at my house. This year is no exception. Here was my strategy for the big day today.

First, I'm generally pretty mean to the kids in the neighborhood year-round. It's important to set that precedent at all times. I yell at them for running through my yard. I give them the stink eye when they wander too close to the driveway. I'm well on my way to being that crazy, mean old lady down the street.

Then, I worked late tonight. Turns out I had a lot of work to do anyway. This was convenient in aiding my anti-trick-or-treator agenda.

When I got home, I checked my mail without turning the porch light on. This almost landed me face down in my flowerbed, but I managed to stick the landing and get back indoors safely and undetected by lurking trick-or-treators.

Then I stumbled around my house with as few lights on as possible. I turned on the T.V., keeping the volume low, so as not to be heard from outside. I ate my dinner by candlelight. Not romantic, mind you. All part of the hideout plan.

I did buy candy, just in case. And by "just in case", I mean just in case I have to stay indoors for days to throw off any lingering trick-or-treators that might think it's a good idea to come knocking on my door say... tomorrow night. Not-so-fun size Snickers and candy corn, all for me. Take that, little kids in costumes!

And for my final touch this year... I turned on the sprinklers. Full blast.

No one rang my doorbell. No one begged at my door, asking me for food, money, love.

I called my dad for his official birthday greeting from me (we celebrated his birthday already on Sunday), I ate my Halloween candy.

Another successful anti-trick-or-treator year.



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