I don't really know what to call this.
But it's a moment of introspection.

So I am no longer of legal age for American Idol. I celebrated this momentous occasion over the weekend by gathering some friends and taking a roadtrip to see the traveling version of The Price is Right gameshow. It's a lifelong dream of mine to be on the real version of the show. So when I saw that the live version of the show was coming to Shreveport, I decided that this would do for now.

We traveled. Friend C made annoying t-shirts for each of us to wear to the show (all of which saying something related to it being my birthday). And we participated in the audience of the show. Sadly, none of us were called to "come on down!" AND, there was no Plinko - a MAJOR tragedy in my world. But, it was super fun anyway. Friends A, C, M, and Z made Birthday 29 a fabulous event. Priceless, is about right.

I tell you, even if there had been no Price is Right, it would almost have been worth it just to wear my shirt that said "It's My Birthday!" all day. People are so nice to you when it's your birthday and your shirt says so..... and you tell them you just turned 21. I may wear this shirt once a week, just for the attention it brings from total strangers.

So as I sit here home alone again at 29, something has been on my mind lately. And maybe this is a good time for some introspection that would lead to good changes for me. Here's what it is:

I'm afraid of everything.

Yep. Everything.

I used to think I wasn't afraid of anything. Or very little, at the most. I've always been "tough". Quiet, independent, with the tendency to handle anything that comes along on my own. I don't know why, but I've tended to feel like I need to always present a front of never being phased by things that are hard, or painful, or scary. I'm usually calm, cool, and collected in most situations. And I tend not to say anything about things that scare me until it gets really scary and I can't help but say something. It's usually been on my mind awhile at this point.

But, things happen. Worlds change. Personal strength becomes a load of crap. And suddenly you're left with what is really inside of all the "strength" and "fearlessness" you built around it for people to see instead of what you know to be true. Nothing is left to hide behind anymore. For me, I've come to realize that I have a lot of fear. That's what is inside. And that's what I don't like for people to see.

I don't know that it would be beneficial to go into detail about the things I fear, even just lately. I've been sick, and that has caused me a great deal of anxiety on a number of things related to it. I fear roadtrips. I'm afraid of not having enough money. I'm afraid I've made bad life decisions. I fear getting older and not finding that "someone" we all think is out there, but may not be. I'm scared of being alone, and not in the sense of going home at night, but in the sense of really being an island unto myself. I fear losing people that are important to me in my life. I fear letting people down when it really counts. I'm afraid I'm not what people need me to be when they need it.

I'm afraid that much of my life matters little when it comes to the things that really should matter in life.

But, why do I think this way? Why do I immediately worry that I may fail? Or that the news will be the worst? Or that something bad will happen? Or that people will leave?

Why am I so afraid of so much?

I don't have an answer to that question. Sure, things have happened at times to justify the basis for these kinds of fears. But, I've realized maybe just in the last few weeks that I have a lot of fear in my life in general. I've especially had a lot of anxiety about not feeling well these past few weeks, and about visiting the doctor last week. I don't like to admit the anxiety or the fears I have, but they creep into my dreams when I don't look straight at them and deal with them. This is when I know I'm really afraid of something, or worried, or having anxiety. If I dream about it, I'm likely not dealing with something that I need to deal with.

I've had a lot of anxiety dreams lately.

So as I come to the end of my roaring twenties, maybe it's time to look at this stuff and figure out what is so scary. And then, not let it set the tone for what comes after 29.

It's exhausting to let fear have such an influence on my life. It hasn't been intentional. But it's there, nonetheless.

I see it.

C.T.