I hate doctors.
Not that they aren't useful when I need them, nor do I hate people I know who are doctors, nor do I hate the people themselves in the world that are doctors. If you are a doctor, I am happy for you and I'm sure you and I could be friends. But all in all, I find it an annoying profession.

Today I went to the doctor. I am not sick. Nor did I think I was sick. Nor did the doctor-office-people think I was sick when I called for an appointment. But, my refills on a prescription I take regularly ran out, and the pharmacist and my doctor conspired against me by refusing to give me any more of my drugs until I go see the doctor again.

Or, as I hear it in my head, until I take a morning from work, drive across town to his office, and give him money to tell me I'm still fine and write his name on a piece of paper that tells the pharmacist to give me my drugs.

A month or so ago when I tried to refill my prescription and they wouldn't let me, I was told to go see my doctor to get another prescription. So, I forgot about it for a month, hoping I could get by without it. I decided I can't. And the doctor knows this. It's part of his scheme to keep me coming.

So, last week I finally call to make an appointment and I'm told he is booked until March. MARCH. Um, I just need a prescription. I'm fine not seeing him til March, or ever. It's not him I really want to see. But I am not fine doing without my drugs until March, when it is convenient for him to see me to tell me I'm fine. I remind them that I am not actually sick, and the purpose of my call is just to get my drugs that I've been taking daily for the past several years. The appointment-making-person tells me the nurse will call me back and we'll figure something out.

Ok then.

The nurse calls later and says, yes, I do have to see a doctor to get the prescription, but I can see another doctor in the office. Really? This counts? Then I'm all for it. Whatever I need to do and whoever I can see to get my drugs before March. She books me with another doctor for today.

THEN she tells me that I will need to arrive 20 minutes early to fill out New Patient paperwork, since it's been over a year since they've seen me. Um... what? New patient? Check my chart, please. It's the thick one they usually have to wheel in on a cart of its own. I visited that office every week for three years to get allergy shots. During that time everyone in the office knew who I was by name when they saw me arrive. I've been going there for so long that all of those people have since left, and they have completely remodeled the office and replaced the familiar people with new Pod People who don't know me. I've spent enough money on co-pays there to put at least several of my doctor's kids through college, a few times. I am CERTAINLY not a new patient! I scoff at this paperwork.

At least call it 'Patient We Haven't Seen in Awhile and Miss Dearly' paperwork.

Nevertheless, the nurse insisted I would have to fill out the paperwork again. There was no talking her out of it.

Bugger.

Today I happen to be off from work, which means I have time to see the doctor. But it also means I have to waste part of a perfectly good sleeping-in day to go down to his office. It's across town. Bugger again.

So, I drive there. It takes 20-ish minutes. I park in the lot where I have to ride the shuttle to the building where his office is. It's a familiar routine. One that I do not miss, and am annoyed to have to do again today.

I arrive 25 minutes early, much to my dismay. I had debated the actual truth to the need for a 20 minute early arrival. Clearly this new nurse does not know who I am, because if she did she would know that I am quicker than most people at menial things, like paperwork. I know this about myself. So this morning I have the debate about whether I really need those 20 minutes, or if I can do the paperwork in say... 10 minutes. I've done the paperwork before, and it's not like anything has changed. I don't have any new diseases to report.

Finally I leave the house, and end up getting there way too early at 25 minutes before my appointment. BUGGER. I could have slept for at least 10 more minutes this morning.

I fill out this paperwork in 7 minutes flat, and then sit. And wait. Finally a large man-nurse comes to retrieve me from my waiting, and he takes me to the next little room. Where I am weighed. And my blood pressure is taken. All as though I've never been there before. When the truth is that I've been there so many times, I could do all of this myself.

The large man-nurse comments as he looks through the 108 gazillion pages of my Monster Chart, "Oh, I see you've met Barbara." Yes, I've met Barbara. She was the nurse who gave me my allergy shots every week for much of the three years I came for allergy shots. I've spent lots of quality time with Barbara. I think I was on her family Christmas card one year. Let's get on with this!!

Large man-nurse then leads me back to the tiny Doctor room, where I wait a bit more. Not long, though. Because I'm here to see the doctor that isn't booked until March, and who has too much time on his hands today. My doctor, the superior familiar doctor, is too busy for me now that I'm only in need of prescriptions, and not in need of say.... more invasive surgery to my head.

New Doctor Man comes in, again with large man-nurse (I guess he's there just to get in on the fun of a completely pointless and adventure-less consultation about my sinuses that are currently problem-free), and we begin. Doctor asks me why I'm there. I say I'm there to get my drugs. He then takes my glasses off, I guess so I can't see the "magic" he is about to perform on me and my healthy sinuses. He looks me over. He sticks some utensils up my nose just because they are there and need to be used. He squirts some junk up my nose to 'help him see in there better', and then reports that all seems well in the realm of my sinus cavity.

Yes, that's what I've been saying all along. And I've been saying it for free. Although... for just a minute in all the 'looking me over' I did fear that he would discover something terrible and I would regret coming to the doctor once again. I usually seem fine before I go. It's after I get there and they have a chance to poke around that I end up with some awful disease or condition that requires months of treatment or surgery and more doctors.

Sometimes I think it's the doctors and the offices that actually make me sick.

He writes me a prescription. The coveted prescription I've journeyed far to acquire, and have now been needlessly tortured with sinus utensils to earn.

Then I am led to the Pay For This Pointless 10-Minute Appointment desk, where I hand over 25 hard-earned dollars, and I'm sent on my way.

He did give me a free sample of my drugs to hold me for a week or so.

That was nice.

But not worth the drive or the loss of $25, which would have otherwise been used for something much more fun than a trip to the doctor.

Bugger.

C.T.